- [both drunk, under fire, in a foxhole]
- Col. Potter: I said fire that weapon.
- Hawkeye: All right.
- [to the gun]
- Hawkeye: You're fired.
- [to Potter]
- Hawkeye: I did it as gently as I could.
- Col. Potter: That was an order, Pierce.
- Hawkeye: [Snapping his fingers] Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?
- Hawkeye: I believe my life is about to pass before my eyes.
- Col. Potter: Let me know when it does. I love a parade.
- Hawkeye: Even short ones?
- [after an exhausting shift in the OR]
- Hawkeye: [sighing] How long we been at this?
- Col. Potter: I started surgery in 1932.
- Hawkeye: I mean, this session.
- Col. Potter: So do I.
- Hawkeye: Maybe we should charge them piecework.
- Col. Potter: We can't. This is war.
- [yawning]
- Col. Potter: By the way, which war is this?
- Hawkeye: The latest war to end all wars.
- Col. Potter: Where's your gun?
- Hawkeye: Sulking under my cot. We're not at speaking terms.
- Col. Potter: Go kiss it and make up. You're taking it with you.
- Hawkeye: Colonel, if I touch that gun, I'll just trigger another argument.
- Col. Potter: Pierce, You're taking along your sidearm.
- Hawkeye: [Holding up each arm in turn] Correct, I'm taking along my right side arm and my left side arm.
- B.J.: You need an enemy before you can surrender, Hawkeye. Didn't they teach you that in basic training?
- [B.J. hands a firearm to Hawkeye]
- B.J.: Your artillery, pard.
- Col. Potter: Is it loaded?
- B.J.: Filled it with water myself, Colonel.
- Hawkeye: Watch out everybody, I shoot to drown.
- Hawkeye: If I said the word "sleep" three times to you, I'd put you right under.
- Col. Potter: Not a chance.
- Hawkeye: Oh yeah? Watch this. Sleep. Sleep. Sleeeeeeep.
- [Hawkeye falls asleep]
- Col. Potter: If Frank Burns makes any more patronizing cracks about my age, I'll take him behind the motor pool and let the air out of his tires.
- Hawkeye: He didn't mean anything by it, Colonel. He was only trying to insult you.
- Col. Potter: [speaking to American troops] Don't shoot! Don't shoot! We're one of you!
- Hawkeye: Yeah. Betty Grable. Apple pie.
- Col. Potter: Clara Bow!
- Hawkeye: Clara Bow? Frank's right; you are old.
- Hawkeye: There. I used up all my bullets. Now can I go home?
- Col. Potter: You're a crazier soldier than a surgeon.
- Hawkeye: Thank you.
- B.J.: Evening, Klinger.
- Klinger: Evening who, sir?
- B.J.: Sorry. Zoltan. How's the tribe?
- Klinger: My tribe, they're yearning for me, sir.
- B.J.: Of course they are. What are you doing?
- Klinger: Working on a plan to turn the motor pool into a Gypsy caravan.
- B.J.: You too? Any news about Hawkeye and the colonel?
- Klinger: They didn't call.
- B.J.: I'm getting worried. I don't like to have them stay out so late on a school night.
- Klinger: Put your mind at ease, sir. We Gypsies have ways of finding things out.
- B.J.: Crystal ball?
- Klinger: Cards.
- [produces deck]
- Klinger: Concentrate with me, sir.
- [deals]
- Klinger: Ten of clubs. Ace of spades. King of diamonds. Jack of hearts. This
- [points]
- Klinger: - this is the crucial card. Ah! Queen of diamonds.
- [does double take]
- Klinger: Holy mackerel! I drew a straight!
- Col. Potter: [Klinger is dressed as a gypsy] Klinger, if I bought this story, they'd boot me out of the army.
- Klinger: It's true. Now I know why the sounds of violins set my blood on fire. Why I'm so attracted to storefront windows. Why, when I smell paprika, I face toward Budapest. Why I have the urge to roam.
- Col. Potter: Zoltan, roam the hell outta here.
- Klinger: [Klinger enters Potter's office dressed as a gypsy] Colonel, I've got to talk to you right away!
- Col. Potter: Klinger, go put on a dress.
- Klinger: Pardon me, sir,did you call me "Klinger"?
- Col. Potter: If you aren't Klinger, who the Sam Hill are you?
- Hawkeye: Sam Hill, maybe.