- Pvt. George Weston: Actually, Doc, there were two guys in my unit who got beaten up. One colored... and one homosexual.
- Captain Benjamin Franklin Pierce: So you're a Negro. Who'd have guessed?
- Frank Burns: I don't have to take this kind of abuse!
- Hawkeye: Oh yes you do, Frank. You invite abuse. It would be impolite not to accept it.
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: [examining Lt. Col. Blake's ear] Wow!
- Lt. Col. Henry Blake: What? What is it? What do you see?
- Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly: I can't describe it... it's almost like a little Nativity scene...!