I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

Alan Attraction (1997)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Alan is about to get into bed with Jill. He puts some coins on the bedside cabinet] 

  Jill : Is that for me, Alan?

  Alan Partridge : That? Oh, God no! No, I always put my money there in the evening. No, if it was you could add a zero to that. It's seven pounds six.

  Jill : Seventy quid?

  Alan Partridge : Well, no, double it.

  Jill : Well, it's still cheap!

  Alan Partridge : I'm not haggling! I was trying to pay you a compliment, unless I've grossly misread the situation. It was my understanding in the lift that no money would change hands.

• Alan Partridge : [while having sex]  Do you mind if I talk? It helps me keep the wolf from the door, so to speak. Jill, what do you think of the pedestrianization of Norwich city centre? I'll be honest, I'm dead against it. I mean, people forget that traders need access to *DIXONS*! They do say it'll help people in *wheeeelchairs*.

• Alan Partridge : You don't like Jill because she's younger than you.

  Lynn Benfield : No, she's not. She's 50.

  Alan Partridge : Well, so's Helen Mirren.

  Lynn Benfield : So's Benjamin Netanyahu.

  Alan Partridge : You're always going on about Benjamin Netanyahu. Let it go, Lynn, you're never going to meet him.

• Alan Partridge : [about to have sex]  Let battle commence.

• Susan : Um, Alan, Did you send Sophie a Valentine's card this morning?

  Alan Partridge : Oh God, no, no, I'm old enough to be her father! Well, her older brother. Either way it's incest.

• Lynn Benfield : Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?

  Alan Partridge : The good news.

  Lynn Benfield : Well, Rawlinson's say you can have another fifty of the shop-soiled chocolate oranges if you plug them again tomorrow.

  Alan Partridge : Excellent. And the bad news?

  Lynn Benfield : The accountants say that since you've definitely not got a second series at the BBC you're going to have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions and close the office down. Otherwise they're going to declare you bankrupt on Friday.

  Alan Partridge : Right. Still, good news about the chocolate oranges.

  Lynn Benfield : Now, Alan, you're going to have to trade down your Rover 800 for a smaller car.

  Alan Partridge : Go on.

  Lynn Benfield : I picked up these brochures for the new Metro. It's a lovely car. And if you do...

  Alan Partridge : [Interrupting]  Lynn, I'm not driving a Mini-Metro.

  Lynn Benfield : But you do have to make substantial savings.

  Alan Partridge : Lynn, I am not driving a Mini Metro.

  Lynn Benfield : But if you do, you can keep Pear Tree Productions going with a skeleton staff of two, and...

  Alan Partridge : There's no point finishing the sentence, Lynn, because I am not driving a Mini-Metro.

  Lynn Benfield : But if you...

  Alan Partridge : Lynn! I'll just speak over you.

  [Lynn tries to speak] 

  Alan Partridge : No! Go on, try and finish the sentence and see what I do. Go on.

  [They both talk together] 

  Lynn Benfield : With a skeleton staff of two...

  Alan Partridge : I'm not driving a Mini-Metro, I'm not driving a Mini-Metro, I'm not driving a Mini-Metro.

  Lynn Benfield : No, no, no, it's different. It's called a Rover Metro now.

  Alan Partridge : They've rebadged it, you fool!

  Lynn Benfield : Well, Alan, if you want a Rover 200 you're going to have to sack everyone at Pear Tree Productions.

  Alan Partridge : Fine.

  Lynn Benfield : Including Jill.

  Alan Partridge : Jill. Lovely Jill. She's my favourite. But fine, I'll sack her.

• Alan Partridge : You smiled then, Lynn.

  Lynn : No, I didn't.

  Alan Partridge : Yes, you did. I can read you like a book. And not a very good book. Certainly not 'Bravo Two Zero' by Andy McNabb. Which actually improves with every read.

• Michael : [in his very broad Geordie accent]  Aye-aye, Mr. Partridge! Morning! Valentine's Day today, eh? Love is in the air!

  Alan Partridge : It's Valentine's Day today, and love is in the air?

  Michael : [nodding]  Aye! Aye!

  Alan Partridge : I'm getting the hang of this! Mind you, I have been here ten weeks.

  Michael : So, are we having the full English breakfast?

  Alan Partridge : Yes, please. Can I have my sausages burnt to a crisp, please? So that they can only be identified by reference to their dental records.

  Michael : OK. Either that or their fingerprints, eh?

  Alan Partridge : Can you fingerprint a sausage?

  Michael : Yeah, well, I suppose technically y'could, aye.

  Alan Partridge : I suppose if I was a burglar and I wanted to avoid detection I could strap sausages to my fingers. Probably survive a couple of break-ins before they started to fall apart.

  Michael : Aye. Maybes, maybes just have, like, a beefburger for your palm, y'know?

  Alan Partridge : No, that's a bit too far-fetched. I do enjoy these chats in the morning.

• Alan Partridge : You know, when I used to see you in reception, do you know what I used to think?

  Jill : No.

  Alan Partridge : I used to think "Ooohh... she's nicer than my wife."

  Jill : [laughs]  What? That's terrible. That's a terrible thing to say, Alan.

• Alan Partridge : Ah, that is the best Valentine's Day I've had in eight years.

  Jill : What did you do eight years ago?

  Alan Partridge : Just had a better one.

  Jill : What'd you do?

  Alan Partridge : Went to Silverstone. Shook Jackie Stewart's hand. Superb. My marriage fell apart soon after that.

• Jill : I love chocolate.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, so do I.

  [they lean in close to each other, face to face] 

  Jill : Whispas.

  Alan Partridge : Aeros.

  Jill : Ripples.

  Alan Partridge : Flakes.

  Jill : Caramac.

  Alan Partridge : It's good this, isn't it? Even though we're basically just listing chocolate bars.

• Alan Partridge : Why are you wearing that snazzy cardigan?

  Lynn : Oh, I just threw it on.

  Alan Partridge : If you think you can upstage Jill by wearing that, you're very much mistaken.

• Lynn Benfield : [to Jill]  We're in the same area, I wondered if you'd like to take a taxi back with me, you know, make a saving?

  Jill : Well...

  Alan Partridge : No, Jill will be sleeping with me tonight.

  Jill : I don't recall saying that.

  Alan Partridge : Oh, come on.

  Jill : Yeah, alright then.

  [she giggles] 

• [Alan is having his disturbing recurring daydream of himself as a male stripper] 

  Tony Hayers : I like your thong.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, it's vulcanised rubber, which means it won't perish.

  [Alan's daydream ends] 

  Jason : [putting a party hat on Alan's head]  Wahey!

  Alan Partridge : [startled, throwing the hat off]  Bash your arse!

• Alan Partridge : Lion bar?

  Jill : No. I prefer fingers.

  Alan Partridge : Ugh. Chocolate ones?

  Jill : Don't mind, really.

  [Alan makes a long, drawn-out leering noise and giggles. Jill smiles at him] 

  Alan Partridge : Jill, you are so dirty.

• [Jill has just smeared Alan with chocolate mousse, there is a knock at the door. Alan answers it, it's Michael] 

  Michael : Is everything all right, Mr Partridge? I heard a bit of commotion.

  Alan Partridge : No, no, it's fine.

  Michael : Oh, right. Erm, do you know you've got chocolate on your face?

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, I've just been eating some mousse.

  Michael : Oh right. Fine.

  [Alan wipes a little bit off his cheek and licks it. His face is still covered in mousse] 

  Michael : Aye, well, you've missed a bit.

  Alan Partridge : I'll deal with it later.

  Michael : Right. Hey, it reminds me of this time, y'know, we'd camouflaged ourselves up cos we were doing jungle exercises, right, out in Belize, but...

  Alan Partridge : [interrupting]  Michael, can we talk about this in the morning?

  Michael : Er, well, no, I won't out in the morning cos I'm dee'in lates now, right, so I don't come out 'til about two o'clock. So, you know...

  Alan Partridge : Well, you know,

  [tries to do a Geordie accent] 

  Alan Partridge : When the boat comes in. Er, er, booger off!

  Michael : Aye, OK.

  [saluting] 

  Michael : Message understood, sir!

  Alan Partridge : Stand down, at ease... you're not in the army anymore.

• Alison : Any more news, Alan?

  Alan Partridge : Er, no, just: second series in the bag, you're all on board, details to follow and, um... and who left this coffee cup here?

  Jason : Sorry, Alan, I meant to clean it last night.

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, well, that's not good enough. You're sacked.

  [the others laugh, thinking it's a joke] 

  Jason : What?

  Alan Partridge : I will not have uncleansed coffee cups in Pear Tree Productions. The plague started from a mal-attended surface.

  Martin : What are you doing, Alan?

  Alan Partridge : You're sacked too.

  Martin : Why?

  Alan Partridge : Because... because you do this all the time.

  [to show what he means, he tuts and rolls his eyes] 

  Martin : What?

  [Martin does the tutting and eye-rolling thing himself] 

  Alan Partridge : See, you did it again! Yeah, you're definitely sacked. Now, Alison, you are a lady, I don't want this to be unpleasant...

  Alison : Are you sacking me as well?

  Alan Partridge : Yes, I am.

  Alison : You rotten shit!

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, you're a rotten shit too, get your coat!

  [Alan backs out of the room with Lynn] 

  Alan Partridge : [to Lynn]  Start the car.

  [he shuts the door and goes to another room] 

  Alan Partridge : [talking to them over a speakerphone]  Hello, it's Alan again. I've locked you all in the boardroom so you don't get me. You can leave via the fire escape. We haven't got a second series, I just didn't have the guts to say that earlier. Bit like doing my radio show this, isn't it? You're listening to Up with the Partridge, A-ha. Bye!

• [clip at the end of the title sequence] 

  Alan Partridge : [sipping a pint of beer]  Very malty.

• [on his date with Jill at the owl sanctuary, Alan puts his hands on his hips with his legs apart, puffs up his cheeks and makes a raspberry noise with his lips] 

  Jill : [giggling]  You're mad, you are!

  Alan Partridge : Oh, I know, I am a bit mad.

  [raises his hands in a predatory way] 

  Alan Partridge : AAAHH!

  [she shrieks and laughs] 

  Alan Partridge : [to a passer-by, out of shot]  It's all right. No, it's all right, I was just portraying a madman.