- Sgt. Andrew Carter: I hate to say this, Colonel, but I don't see any way we're going to get our hands on that briefcase.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: You're right, the situation is hopeless, there's no solution, we're faced with an absolute impossibility.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: In that case, sir, why don't you tell us what you've thought of?
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Alright, here it is.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: [talking to Schultz] That's why they made you sergeant after only 12 years in the army.
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: I think Kommandant Klink's looking for you.
- Sgt. Schultz: He knows where I am. I'm right here if he wants me.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: What makes you think he wants to see Schultz?
- Cpl. Peter Newkirk: Oh, I heard him say, "Where is that idiot?" No, he said, "Where is that stupid idiot?"
- Sgt. Andrew Carter: Maybe he meant someone else.
- Sgt. Schultz: No, he wants me.
- Col. Klink: Today, when your men went into town on a work detail, the did something which I consider a personal insult.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: What did they do?
- Col. Klink: They were wearing arm bands that said that they were prisoners here at Stalag 13. They went into a tourist agency and asked for travel folders.
- Major Blair: There are two models. One, you turn the handle clockwise, and the other, you turn it counter clockwise.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Which one's this?
- Major Blair: There's no way of telling. Take your choice. But not to worry, if you made a mistake, you'll never know it.
- Col. Robert E. Hogan: Tell me how to open it.
- Major Blair: Okay, but if I hear a loud noise, I won't bother going on.