- Dr. Rick Dagless: [talking to mother about hospitalized son] He's a good kid, but you've got to keep him off the smack otherwise this will keep happening. How about you find yourself a husband, get some stability in your life.
- Dr Liz Asher: [talking about a patient that has turned green] Apparently she was in for a routine operation to get her toe shortened which was really long like a finger, the next thing she knew this happened. All in all you could say that she's a little off color.
- [Thorton, Liz, and Dagless all laugh]
- Dr Lucien Sanchez: [shouts] You shut your mouth Liz!
- Dr. Rick Dagless: No you shut your mouth Sanch, that was funny. Look, if we lose our sense of humor in this place we might as well all go and kill ourselves.
- Dean Learner: Dag's right. After all, the reason I got into medicine in the first place was for the laughs. That and the pussy, and that dried up ten years ago if you pardon the expression.
- Garth Marenghi: With this show, I wanted people to laugh and cry... and shit themselves all at the same time.
- Thornton Reed: [after firing a shotgun to break up a bar brawl] Knock it off you two, this is a hospital!
- Dr. Rick Dagless: What's this?
- Linda: A dreamcatcher
- Dr. Rick Dagless: What's a dreamcatcher?
- Linda: It's like a wind chime.
- Dr. Rick Dagless: Then why didn't you say wind chime?
- Garth Marenghi: I've always loved the great tragedies, King Lear, The Poseidon Adventure, Superman 2.
- Dr Liz Asher: I guess being told I couldn't get a chicken supper was the straw that broke this camel's back. It was unprofessional and girlish. It won't happen again.
- Dean Learner: If he gets word of this my arse is grass and he's got a lawnmower if you know what I mean?
- Dr. Rick Dagless: I'm finding food a real bore at the moment.
- Dr Lucien Sanchez: What I do is sometimes get a tin of soup, heat it up, poach an egg in it, serve that with a pork pie sausage roll.
- Dr. Rick Dagless: I'll get a Wimpy.
- Dean Learner: Garth is the most significant artist that I've worked with and I've worked with Lulu and four other people, so were talking crème de la crème.