- [to Joey's stalker who thinks he is Drake Ramoray]
- Joey: I am not Drake.
- Ross: That's right! He is not Drake. He is...
- [looks dramatically into the camera]
- Ross: Hans Ramoray, Drake's evil twin!
- Erika Ford: [believes it] Is this true?
- [Joey is unable to answer, too shocked]
- Rachel: Yes! Yes, it is true. And I know this, because... Because he pretended to be Drake, to... to sleep with me!
- [Rachel throws water in his face]
- Monica: And then he told me he would run away with me, and he didn't!
- [Monica throws water in his face]
- Chandler: And you left the toilet seat up, you bastard!
- [Chandler throws water in his face]
- Phoebe: [singing in the children's program at the library] Someday when you get older you'll want to sleep with people just to make them like you, but don't!/ 'Cos that's another thing that you don't want to do. Everybody! That's another thing that you don't want to do.
- Monica: Excellent!
- Chandler: Very informative!
- Rachel: Not at all inappropriate!
- Phoebe: [singing] The cow in the meadow goes moo / The cow in the meadow goes moo / Then the farmer hits her on the head and grinds her up/ And that's where we get hamburgers... And now, Chickens!
- Monica: [reading Joey's letter from his stalker] Wait a minute; this wasn't mailed to "Days of Our Lives". It wasn't even mailed. Joey, this woman was in our building; she knows where you live.
- Joey: All right! I got my own stalker!
- Chandler: You're so lucky; I have to share my stalker with five other guys at work.
- Rachel: Joey, remember when we talked about good thing-bad thing? This is a baaaad thing.
- Phoebe: [Phoebe has been hired to sing in a children's program at the library] Oh, Grandma is a person that everyone likes, / She bought you a toy train and a bright shiny bike, / But lately she hasn't been coming to dinner, / The last time you saw her she looked a lot thinner. Now your parents told you she moved to Peru, / but the truth is she died and someday you will too.
- Phoebe: [singing] Sometimes men love women/Sometimes men love men/And then there are bisexuals/Though some just say they're kidding themselves/
- Chandler: Hey, just because she thinks she can see Joey through a magic window in her living room does not mean she's not a person. Does she not deserve Happiness, does she not deserve Love?
- [Monica and Rachel exchange glances and then stare back at Chandler]
- Chandler: Don't look at me, he's the one who wants to boff the maniac!
- Phoebe: I feel so awkward. When you play for adults they keep on doing their adult stuff. Kids *listen*.