- Phillip Banks: [Phillip and Dr. Hoover are in a fight] Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree, did you find it on the back of a matchbook?
- Dr. Hoover: Penn State, my brother.
- Phillip Banks: Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Wharton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through!
- Dr. Hoover: Impressive, you must have been quite an athlete in your thinner days.
- Phillip Banks: Hey, hey, let's stick to the topic, okay?
- Dr. Hoover: Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter should be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized.
- Phillip Banks: Well, speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter fits the criminal profile to a T, right down to the sloping forehead and the wide jaws suitable for grains and small rodents!
- Dr. Hoover: I think you have her confused with your momma!
- Will: [Phillip punches Dr. Hoover and knocks him down] That's it, Uncle Phil, you're grounded!
- [to Dr. Hoover]
- Will: You know, I'd be happy to prescribe something for that.