Frasier (TV Series)
You Scratch My Book... (1995)
Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane
Photos
Quotes
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[Niles brings Daphne her profit from a stock tip he gave her]
Daphne : You have to help me decide what to do with it.
Niles : Well, you might want to consider letting Wendel re-invest it. That's what I'm doing. It's called "rolling it over."
[Frasier enters]
Daphne : Then I'll do it. Oh, this is so exciting!
Frasier : What's all this?
Daphne : Well, your brother just gave me two hundred dollars, and now he's going to roll me over.
Frasier : Niles?
Niles : [embarrassed] Communications breakdown.
Frasier : Good.
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Niles : Well, I hope you're happy!
Frasier : Snap out of it! What you were doing was completely dishonest.
Niles : Ooh, said the pot to the kettle!
Frasier : What does that mean?
Niles : I think you know what it means.
Frasier : Oh, don't be ridiculous! Our two situations are totally different.
Niles : Oh, really? How so?
Frasier : Well, for one thing, you've been misleading a woman for your own selfish gain.
Niles : And so are you!
Frasier : Well, I'm not finished. She was also trusting you to tell the truth!
Niles : Oh, and the difference would be?
Frasier : Your woman is English!
Niles : Frasier, you've lost this one.
Frasier : I know, I know. It's just going to take a little while to climb down off of this particular high horse.
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Daphne : I'm off to the Book Nook. Dr. Snow is signing copies of her new bestseller.
Martin Crane : Hey, wait a minute! You're going out? What about my whirlpool therapy?
Daphne : Oh, right. I forgot. Maybe you could go to the book signing for me, Dr. Crane. It's right around the corner from the station.
Frasier : I would sooner attend a hoedown.
Niles : I would gladly go, but I've got my compulsive spending seminar, and I'm hoping to unload the rest of these raffle tickets.
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[Niles has been giving Daphne phony stock payoffs to get hugs and kisses from her]
Niles : The first stock really did pay off, but then the rest all tanked. And what was I supposed to do? Tell that poor, working-class Venus I'd lost her life savings? I had to pay her back and if I threw in a little extra, well, where's the harm in that?
Frasier : Niles, you are giving a woman money in order to obtain physical affection! We are talking the world's oldest profession. Granted, this is sort of the Walt Disney version, but still. It's wrong, and I insist you stop it.
Niles : No. It's altruistic, it's noble, it's fun, and you can't make me stop.
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Niles : What are you all dressed up for? Hot date?
Frasier : As a matter of fact, yes.
Niles : With whom?
Martin Crane : Dr. Honey Snow.
Frasier : Did it ever occur to you that I might not want Niles to know who I'm dating?
Martin Crane : Sure it did. Right before I said it.
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[first lines]
Martin Crane : [entering the apartment] Ahh, I still say when some guy grabs your parking space, you don't just sit there, you say something.
Frasier : Dad, when a man has no front teeth and stitches on his nose, I think it's safe to assume he's sensitive to criticism.
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Dr. Honey Snow : I have something I want to give you.
Frasier : Oh?
Dr. Honey Snow : It's a manuscript of my upcoming book.
Frasier : Oh. Another one? So soon?
Dr. Honey Snow : I hope you like it Frasier. Because if you do, I'd love for you to write the foreword.
Frasier : Me?
Niles : Who better?
Frasier : Well, actually there's so many other people that would be more qualified to write for such an important work.
Dr. Honey Snow : Well, if I didn't know better, I'd think you didn't want to do it.
Frasier : Oh, no, no, no, no. It's a great honor.
Daphne : I'll say. The last book had an introduction by Mickey Rooney.
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Frasier : I hope you feel you can be just as honest with me.
Dr. Honey Snow : Oh I do, I do. Tell me everything. I don't want us to hide anything.
Frasier : I thought your chapter titles were clumsy and jejune. Your turn.
Dr. Honey Snow : You use way too much French in everyday conversation. You go.
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Niles : I think you know what you have to do.
Frasier : Yes. I have to tell her I can't write the foreword. Oh, Niles, and I have to say goodbye to the chance of ever sleeping with absolute perfection. Oh, where oh, where will I ever have the chance again to gaze upon such extraordinary proud and supple breasts?
Niles : Not to worry brother, that's the manager's special at Farmer Jack's Chicken, Chicken, Chicken.
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Frasier : I love saccharin, use it every day.
Dr. Honey Snow : I'm glad you like saccharin, darling, because there's no way you're getting any honey.