Frasier (TV Series)
Where There's Smoke, There's Fired (1996)
Harriet Sansom Harris: Bebe Glazer
Photos
Quotes
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Bebe : After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.
Frasier : This is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.
Bebe : [sarcastic] Yeah, yeah!
Frasier : No, really, perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker; Dad, can you tell us about when you crave a cigarette most?
Martin : Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette, next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette. Of course, it gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.
Daphne : Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe : You know there's a word for people who can do that... what is it? Oh yes - bitch!
Niles : There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
Bebe : It isn't disgusting; it's wonderful!
Frasier : What is so wonderful about smoking?
Bebe : Everything! I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips. Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me!
[Begins displaying innuendo]
Bebe : I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs... little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm going to burst!
[Frasier raises his eyebrow]
Bebe : Then 'woosh!'... watching it flow out of me in a lovely sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same!
Daphne : [Visibly aroused, as are the others] More potatoes, anyone?
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Bebe : [Early morning. Bebe is asleep on the couch. Daphne, in her robe, slowly creeps into the room with a pack of cigarettes in her hand. She quietly opens the balcony door. Bebe stays asleep as Daphne puts a cigarette to her lips. However, the sound of her striking a match wakes Bebe in an instant. She tiptoes over to the balcony door] You're up early, Miss Moon!
Daphne : God, you startled me!
[laughs]
Daphne : Ever since your little speech about smoking, I haven't been able to think about anything else. Please, don't mention this to Dr. Crane.
Bebe : Silence has its price, dear. And I think we both know what that is.
Daphne : Forget it! You can't make me give you one of these.
Bebe : Oh, can't I?
[She slams the balcony door shut, locking Daphne out]
Daphne : You open up right now!
Bebe : All right, missy, here's the drill! You drop those cigarettes, I'll open the door, you kick 'em over to me... capiche?
Daphne : No!
[She runs to the other door; it's locked]
Bebe : [evil] Oh, is it cold outside?
Daphne : All right, you asked for it!
[She takes the packet and holds it over the balcony]
Bebe : No, no! Please, I beg you.
Daphne : Oh, oh no. My fingers are getting weak! Oh, I'm losing me grip!
Bebe : Stop, please! I'll give you anything you want. I'll make you a star!
[opens door]
Frasier : [enters] What the hell's going on out here?
Bebe : [childish brat voice] Daphne was smoking!
Daphne : She made me!
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[Frasier is trying to get Bebe to quit smoking]
Frasier : For God's sake... I don't care anymore. You know, I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here...
[tosses her a lighter]
Frasier : ...go ahead, knock yourself out.
[Bebe begins to light her cigarette]
Frasier : I only wish I could be there when it happens.
Bebe : [stops] When what happens?
Frasier : When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead."
[Bebe grins]
Frasier : Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only, you won't be watching that. No, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps. Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"!
Bebe : [tortured] Stop it!
Frasier : You'll picture her wearing *your* jewels, sailing in *your* yachts, sleeping with *your* gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no!
[chuckles]
Frasier : Because you'll have your cigarette.
[Bebe stares at her cigarette in horror]
Frasier : Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged...
Bebe : [anguished] Enough!
[Bebe hands the cigarettes to a triumphant Frasier]
Bebe : God! You are one hell of a therapist.
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Bebe : [Bebe is smoking in the kitchen. When she hears Frasier and Niles coming, she puts out her cigarette and drops it into her purse] I'm sorry I can't stay and help you with your paper, Niles, wedding preparations and all. But I'll remember those helpful hints. It's exercise, gum, and lots of water.
[blue smoke is wafting out of her purse]
Niles : Water should come in handy for putting out those pesky purse fires.
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Bebe : [eating compulsively to deal with nicotine withdrawal, to Martin] You gonna eat that fat?
