Frasier (TV Series)

Where There's Smoke, There's Fired (1996)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• Bebe : After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.

  Frasier : This is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.

  Bebe : [sarcastic]  Yeah, yeah!

  Frasier : No, really, perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker; Dad, can you tell us about when you crave a cigarette most?

  Martin : Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette, next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette. Of course, it gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.

  Daphne : Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.

  Bebe : You know there's a word for people who can do that... what is it? Oh yes - bitch!

  Niles : There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.

  Bebe : It isn't disgusting; it's wonderful!

  Frasier : What is so wonderful about smoking?

  Bebe : Everything! I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips. Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me!

  [Begins displaying innuendo] 

  Bebe : I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs... little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm going to burst!

  [Frasier raises his eyebrow] 

  Bebe : Then 'woosh!'... watching it flow out of me in a lovely sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same!

  Daphne : [Visibly aroused, as are the others]  More potatoes, anyone?

• [Bebe's wedding with an elderly millionaire was canceled] 

  Martin : What went wrong?

  Frasier : Well, they were halfway down the aisle - Big Willy beaming proudly, Bebe radiant, supporting Big Willy on her arm - when suddenly he clutched his heart, and his head slumped against Bebe's shoulder. Of course we were all concerned at first, but then suddenly it seemed like he was all right because they kept moving on down the aisle. But if you looked carefully, you could see Bebe's little biceps bulging through her wedding gown, and I swear I noticed daylight between Big Willy's dress boots and the carpet. Well, once they got up to the minister the jig was pretty well up, despite Bebe's valiant attempts to animate his features by twisting the loose skin at the back of his neck. You know, I've never seen a woman more crushed.

• Daphne : Who's staying all weekend?

  Niles : Bebe Glazer.

  Martin : [worried]  Here?

  Martin : [worried]  What does she have to stay here for?

  Frasier : She's trying to quit smoking.

  Martin : [sarcastic]  Oh great, that means she'll be extra lovable.

• Martin : Well, I keep telling you, you don't have Maris's money to throw around anymore. You're going to have to start cutting back a little.

  Niles : I have cut back. Last month I told my masseur I could only see him once a week.

  Martin : Oh, I remember that scene in "Grapes Of Wrath" when Ma Joad did that.

  Daphne : You know, if you need to save a bit, you should do what I do and cut out coupons.

  Niles : Coupons. Well, what a wonderful way to economize. Well, I could clip them and give them to my personal shopper.

• Martin : [Bebe jumps on Frasier's back and knocks him on the floor]  That's it, no more house guests!