Frasier (TV Series)
Where There's Smoke, There's Fired (1996)
Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane
Photos
Quotes
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Bebe : After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most. As long as I don't stop eating, I'll be fine.
Frasier : This is very good, Bebe. You're already identifying those moments that trigger your worst cravings.
Bebe : [sarcastic] Yeah, yeah!
Frasier : No, really, perhaps it would help to know that you're not alone. Dad is an ex-smoker; Dad, can you tell us about when you crave a cigarette most?
Martin : Ah, when I had insomnia. I'd get up, pour a glass full of Bourbon, light a cigarette, next thing you know, I couldn't keep my eyes open. Nothing relaxes you like a cigarette. Of course, it gives you a hell of a headache in the morning.
Daphne : Well, I smoked for years but I never became addicted. To this day, I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer and not crave another for months.
Bebe : You know there's a word for people who can do that... what is it? Oh yes - bitch!
Niles : There's no need to be insulting just because you're wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
Bebe : It isn't disgusting; it's wonderful!
Frasier : What is so wonderful about smoking?
Bebe : Everything! I like the way a fresh firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coaxing that first sweet cylinder out of its hiding place and bringing it slowly up to my lips. Striking a match, watching it burst into a perfect little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me!
[Begins displaying innuendo]
Bebe : I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs... little fingers of smoking filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm going to burst!
[Frasier raises his eyebrow]
Bebe : Then 'woosh!'... watching it flow out of me in a lovely sinuous cloud, no two ever quite the same!
Daphne : [Visibly aroused, as are the others] More potatoes, anyone?
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[about Frasier's agent]
Niles : You're still consorting with that barracuda?
Frasier : Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. Well, it's just that the station's been sold, I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. I must admit she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.
Niles : Oh really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times.
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Bebe : [Early morning. Bebe is asleep on the couch. Daphne, in her robe, slowly creeps into the room with a pack of cigarettes in her hand. She quietly opens the balcony door. Bebe stays asleep as Daphne puts a cigarette to her lips. However, the sound of her striking a match wakes Bebe in an instant. She tiptoes over to the balcony door] You're up early, Miss Moon!
Daphne : God, you startled me!
[laughs]
Daphne : Ever since your little speech about smoking, I haven't been able to think about anything else. Please, don't mention this to Dr. Crane.
Bebe : Silence has its price, dear. And I think we both know what that is.
Daphne : Forget it! You can't make me give you one of these.
Bebe : Oh, can't I?
[She slams the balcony door shut, locking Daphne out]
Daphne : You open up right now!
Bebe : All right, missy, here's the drill! You drop those cigarettes, I'll open the door, you kick 'em over to me... capiche?
Daphne : No!
[She runs to the other door; it's locked]
Bebe : [evil] Oh, is it cold outside?
Daphne : All right, you asked for it!
[She takes the packet and holds it over the balcony]
Bebe : No, no! Please, I beg you.
Daphne : Oh, oh no. My fingers are getting weak! Oh, I'm losing me grip!
Bebe : Stop, please! I'll give you anything you want. I'll make you a star!
[opens door]
Frasier : [enters] What the hell's going on out here?
Bebe : [childish brat voice] Daphne was smoking!
Daphne : She made me!
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[Bebe's wedding with an elderly millionaire was canceled]
Martin : What went wrong?
Frasier : Well, they were halfway down the aisle - Big Willy beaming proudly, Bebe radiant, supporting Big Willy on her arm - when suddenly he clutched his heart, and his head slumped against Bebe's shoulder. Of course we were all concerned at first, but then suddenly it seemed like he was all right because they kept moving on down the aisle. But if you looked carefully, you could see Bebe's little biceps bulging through her wedding gown, and I swear I noticed daylight between Big Willy's dress boots and the carpet. Well, once they got up to the minister the jig was pretty well up, despite Bebe's valiant attempts to animate his features by twisting the loose skin at the back of his neck. You know, I've never seen a woman more crushed.
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[Frasier is trying to get Bebe to quit smoking]
Frasier : For God's sake... I don't care anymore. You know, I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here...
[tosses her a lighter]
Frasier : ...go ahead, knock yourself out.
[Bebe begins to light her cigarette]
Frasier : I only wish I could be there when it happens.
Bebe : [stops] When what happens?
Frasier : When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead."
[Bebe grins]
Frasier : Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only, you won't be watching that. No, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps. Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"!
Bebe : [tortured] Stop it!
Frasier : You'll picture her wearing *your* jewels, sailing in *your* yachts, sleeping with *your* gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no!
[chuckles]
Frasier : Because you'll have your cigarette.
[Bebe stares at her cigarette in horror]
Frasier : Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged...
Bebe : [anguished] Enough!
[Bebe hands the cigarettes to a triumphant Frasier]
Bebe : God! You are one hell of a therapist.
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[Discussing with Bebe her imminent marriage to a media tycoon]
Niles : Marrying money can have its perils. Ten or fifteen years down the line, after you've adapted to a lifestyle now totally beyond your means, you can find yourself cast aside, a hollow husk, penniless and crushed.
Frasier : Niles, Big Willy's eighty five; he's on his third pacemaker.
Niles : Ah! Mazel tov.
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Niles : Hello Frasier, I noticed you were out of capers the other night, so I got you this.
Frasier : [Niles takes a massive jar of capers out of his bag and hands it to Frasier] Thank you Niles, but why so many?
Niles : I just discovered a place called "Price Buster's Warehouse." You have to buy in bulk, but the savings are extraordinary, and they have a huge selection. I found French fries and French doors in the same aisle.
Frasier : Well, the next time you go back be sure to buy me a thousand swordfish so I can use these up.
Niles : You laugh, but I could do it like THAT.
