- Daphne Moon: You dirty old man! Flirting with a girl her age!
- Martin Crane: Well, she was flirting right back. I saw her giving me the once-over.
- Daphne Moon: Yeah, she looked once and it was over. You've never acted this silly with any of my other girl friends. What's so special about Pam?
- Martin Crane: Oh, nothing. She's just young and friendly, and... she reminds me of the girls I used to date back during the war.
- Daphne Moon: What, you mean Korea? Mr. Crane, it's not dating when you're an occupying force.
- Martin Crane: Hey, the gals in Pyong Chang used to think I was pretty damn cute.
- Daphne Moon: Yeah well, this is a bit different. You're not twenty-one and her village hasn't just burned down.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Niles, because of that woman in there and a scrappy band of Third World rebels, I am this close to getting a national radio show of my own!
- Claudia Kynock: But I do want to mention that we may be replacing one of our nationally syndicated hosts, The Happy Traveler.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, yes. The Happy Traveler. How's that coming?
- Claudia Kynock: Not well. Unless they get more realistic with those ransom demands, he's never coming out of that jungle.
- Officer McLean: Sorry, people, nobody can leave. This is a crime scene.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Well, it certainly would be a crime if we missed that dinner!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier and Niles are entering Maris' beach house, which has a burglar alarm] I hope you're right about the alarm code, Niles. People do change them.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Maris will never change this one. It's her ideal weight, what she weighed at her debutante ball.
- [enters the alarm code on the control panel inside]
- Dr. Niles Crane: This many pounds and that many ounces.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Good Lord! No one could weigh that and live!
- Officer McLean: So you found a dead seal, dressed it in a peignoir, doused it in perfume, and stabbed it?
- Martin Crane: Isn't that breaking and entering?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh pish, it can't be a crime if it's catered.
- Gretchen Koontz: [thinking Niles murdered Maris while hosting an exclusive party at her beach party, when he was really stabbing a dead seal to get it to sink to keep it from washing back in] He was stabbing her again and again.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Niles has just called unsuccessfully requested that Animal Control come to remove a dead seal from behind Maris' beach house] Give me that.
- [takes phone from Niles]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, this is Frasier Crane. You may remember me from my radio show.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh yes, that should send the Seal Mobile racing over here.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [referring to Maris] I don't have to ask her. She's out of the country. She's in Antwerp having her elbows done.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Normally, the finalists compete by giving lectures. I'd written mine, a waggish look at food fads from yesteryear entitled, "Fondue: What Were We Thinking?"
- Dr. Niles Crane: I wanted this. After the year I've been through, I needed something to restore my pride, my dignity... my manhood. That Golden Apron could do it.
- Dr. Niles Crane: You have no idea how cutthroat my rivals are. They will leap on the tiniest imperfection. Last night, Sebastian Melmoth threw a lavish Japanese banquet. A certain rival spent the entire evening carping about how the obis on the geishas' kimonos were improperly tied.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: "A certain rival?"
- Dr. Niles Crane: All right, me.
- Martin Crane: He had geishas?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: That's enough, Dad.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Is Claudia here?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, and she's dying to talk to you!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Good! Smell my fingers.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [sniffing] Ooh, lovely! Tubla rose?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Jasmine.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Really!
- Dr. Niles Crane: [Frasier and Niles are trying to remove the dead seal] We can wrap it in this. Quick, quick, quick.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: A peach peignoir?
- Dr. Niles Crane: Yes, and I found perfume.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: We're giving it a burial, Niles, not a day of beauty.
- Dr. Niles Crane: It's to cover the smell, and the peignoir was all I could find. The beds were all stripped, the linen cupboard's locked.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: All right, get on with it.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [Niles sprays the seal with the perfume] Do you think that helped?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, yes, Niles. It smells so lovely now, it's almost a shame to bury it.