Frasier (TV Series)

The Gift Horse (1997)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• [Niles walks in and sees Roz and Frasier kissing] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Hello, Niles. You know, this isn't what it looks like. You see, her ex-boyfriend was just...

  [as she keeps nuzzling him] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, just stop that!

  Dr. Niles Crane : Please, no explanation necessary. I assume that at the next meeting of Seattle's "Haven't Kissed Roz Club," it will just be me and the Archbishop.

  Roz Doyle : I'll save you the club dues.

  Dr. Niles Crane : What-?

  [Roz kisses Niles and exits] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Everyone kisses better than Maris!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [looking at television speakers]  Oh dear God! It's Stonehenge!

• [in their competition to buy Martin the best gift, Frasier goes overboard and buys an enormous big-screen television] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Oh my God, you didn't.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Didn't what? You mean buy dad this television set? Of course I did! It's impressive, isn't it?

  Dr. Niles Crane : I knew how jealous you were, but to go to such insane lengths to top me... Frasier, you have lain waste to your apartment with this eyesore!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I disagree! Where you see an eyesore, I see a picture window to a world of art and culture. Just think how a screen this size will enhance the majesty of the Metropolitan Opera. Or the thrilling artists of the Bolshoi!

  Dr. Niles Crane : You're quite a Bolshoi artist yourself.

• [Roz enters the cafe] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, good morning, Roz.

  Roz Doyle : Good morning.

  [she grabs Frasier and kisses him. He wrestles free] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : What the hell was that?

  Roz Doyle : [looks behind her]  Oh, shoot! He's not even here!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Who?

  Roz Doyle : Do you remember that guy who dumped me last month? I thought he was right behind me. I just wanted him to see me with another guy so he'd know how completely over him I am.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Good idea, Roz. If that doesn't work, why don't we get married and have some children, that will really fix his wagon.

• [about the huge big-screen TV he's bought for Martin] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Perhaps I'm panicking needlessly. It just needs a little dressing-up, really. You know, I'll just arrange these plants here at the base.

  Daphne Moon : Yes, you always said you needed more greenery in here.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, maybe an objet or two on top. Yes, yes, this little bud vase, here. That makes a world of difference, doesn't it?

  Daphne Moon : Oh, sure it does, Dr. Crane. All the difference in the world!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [breaking down]  Oh, it's ghastly! Oh God, you just don't put a smear of lipstick on the Bride of Frankenstein and turn her into a trophy wife, do you?

• Sherry Dempsey : Good news! I found a guy who can sculpt an exact replica of Marty's police badge out of six pounds of liverwurst.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, how reminiscent of the cream cheese gavel they gave Thurgood Marshall on his eightieth!

• Dr. Niles Crane : Hello, Daphne, Sherry.

  [to waitress] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Double latte, please.

  [sits] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : Is Frasier with you?

  Sherry Dempsey : No, he's out shopping for your dad.

  Dr. Niles Crane : That jackal!

  [Niles races out of the café. A minute later, Frasier comes in] 

  Daphne Moon : Dr. Crane, did you find something?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Yes, I did. It took me most of the afternoon but I finally came up with something I think is just about perfect!

  Sherry Dempsey : Oh, Niles forgot his coffee.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Niles was here?

  Sherry Dempsey : Yes, but you know, when I mentioned that you were out shopping for your dad he just shot out of here like a bullet...

  Dr. Frasier Crane : That little worm!

  [Frasier grabs his shopping bag and exits]