Frasier (TV Series)

The First Temptation of Daphne (2001)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• Martin Crane : You sleeping?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I was trying to. I'm attempting to rearrange my schedule. Apparently, His Royal Chirpiness is nocturnal, so I have to be, as well.

  Martin Crane : I got the answer to the problem, right here in this box.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : What, we couldn't squash him with the shoes we already own?

• Dr. Frasier Crane : [referring to the cricket]  Dear God, can't you make him shut up?

  Martin Crane : That prayer doesn't get answered around here.

• Martin Crane : Anyway, just give me a half-an-hour and I'll have that pesky cricket out of the kitchen and inside this gecko.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I see. So we set a lizard loose to catch the cricket?

  Martin Crane : Mmm-hmm.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Then what?

  [Martin looks confused] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : We get an owl to eat the gecko? Then we get a tiger to eat the owl?

  [pause] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : What eats the tiger, Dad, tell me that!

  Martin Crane : An alligator, for one, smart guy!

• Martin Crane : But that's not going to happen and you know why? Because we'll put a little harness on the gecko so it doesn't run away.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, this just gets better and better.

  Martin Crane : I thought I had some twine here.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, I used it to stabilize a veal shank. Why don't you just make a little harness out of, uh... the dental floss?

  Martin Crane : Hey, that's not bad!

  Dr. Frasier Crane : I wasn't serious... not my cinnamon waxed!

• Dr. Frasier Crane : It's asleep, Dad.

  Martin Crane : No, it's not.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Really, he hasn't twitched his tail for two minutes.

  Martin Crane : That's because he's lulling him into a false sense of security. The most dangerous part of a gecko is its mind.

  [long pause] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : What-are-you-talking-about?

  [measures with his fingers] 

  Dr. Frasier Crane : A gecko's brain is, like, this big.

  Martin Crane : [measures with his fingernails]  But a cricket's brain is only this big.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : All right, fine. Where were we?

  Martin Crane : Ann Margaret.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : You cannot just blurt out "Ann Margaret" like that. I'm sorry, we can only take ten women to Love Island, all right? We have to put a little thought into this. I'll tell you who makes my list: that dark haired temptress who works at the bookstore.

  Martin Crane : [smiles]  Lisa.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : You know her name?

  Martin Crane : Are you kidding?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : All this time you've been going down there, I thought you belonged to some kind of book club.

  Martin Crane : Oh, there's a club all right! You know, she got a belly ring last week.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : [sighs]  That's fantastic!

• Dr. Niles Crane : Oh, Daphne - I have to take the roast out of the oven. I need the recipe for the glaze. Could you get it? It's in my briefcase in the burnt-sienna colored folder.

  Daphne Moon : No problem.

  [she looks at Martin] 

  Martin Crane : Brown. But don't tell anyone I know that.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : How was your hunting trip?

  Martin Crane : Oh, came home empty-handed.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, dear. I guess that means for the next several weeks we'll hear you grouse about the grouse and carp about the carp.

  [laughs at his own joke] 

  Dr. Niles Crane : You've been working on that, haven't you?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Well, there was traffic!