- Martin: For God's sake, Frasier, you're forty-one years old - it's time you learned something. The system ain't perfect - sometimes the bad guy wins. And all those things you thought would be around to help you, the courts and the police department - well, sometimes, they're just not there when you need them, so you can let it eat a hole in your stomach or you can just file it away under the heading "Sometimes life sucks."
- Frasier: Yeah, well, that file's getting pretty thick!
- [Niles and Daphne emerge from Frasier's bedroom, both are disheveled and appear to be straightening their clothes]
- Frasier: What were you two doing back there?
- Niles: Maris lost her earring at the party last night. Daphne was good enough to crawl under the bed to look for it while I...
- Frasier: Yeeeess?
- Niles: Searched the credenza!
- Daphne Moon: Well, my theory on death is, first you're whisked down a long, dark tunnel towards a beautiful white light; you suddenly get all the jokes you never got before, you let out a little chuckle, and then you die.
- [after Niles tells Frasier that Maris is asleep on his bed, under the coats]
- Daphne Moon: Dr. Crane, were you sniffing my hair?
- Niles: Why would I do a thing like that? I'm a happily married man. I love my Maris.
- Guest: Where should I put this coat?
- Niles: Just throw it on the bed.
- Frasier: Well, Niles, if you were strong enough to show restraint after so much humiliation, not to mention the nicknames.
- Niles: Nicknames... there were nicknames?
- Frasier: Oh, you didn't know that? Oh dear God, yes. Uh, "Peachfuzz,"..."Jingle Bells"... I can't remember the rest.
- Niles: "Peachfuzz"?
- Frasier: Yes, I believe Coach Medwick made that one up himself.
- [hands Niles the brick]
- Frasier: Well, anyway, here you are. I won't be needing this anymore.
- Niles: I'm proud of you.
- [Frasier heads towards the car, but Niles cocks his arm and hurls the brick through the gallery window, shattering it with a loud crash. As the alarm sounds, Niles throws his arms up in another "field goal!" signal]
- Frasier: My God, Niles! What are you, what have you done?
- Niles: I've struck a blow for justice! Nobody calls me "Peachfuzz." Now let's get the hell out of here!
- [Frasier prepares to toss a brick through the wall of a dishonest gallery owner, but Niles stops him]
- Niles: Frasier, just give me the brick and no one will get hurt.
- Frasier: Why don't you just go away? This is no concern of yours.
- Niles: Yes, it is.
- Frasier: How?
- Niles: Remember that day in junior high school when somebody took all my clothes while I was in the shower, right after gym class? They hung them from the goalpost on the football field. I had no choice but to get a ladder and climb up there wearing nothing but a towel, wet and shivering. Then the towel fell off! There I was, your little brother, hanging naked from a goal post, and everyone was standing around laughing, and all Coach Medwick would do was stand there going...
- [makes the arm signal for "field goal!"]
- Niles: Whatever that means!
- Frasier: Niles, why are you telling me this?
- Niles: Because... I was so humiliated, I went home, I cried my eyes out, I swore I would get even. I was just about to put sugar into Coach Medwick's gas tank... and you stopped me. Remember what you said? "If you act like a barbarian, you will become a barbarian."
- Frasier: I said that?
- Niles: Yes. Well, actually you were more verbose at the time. I had to listen, you were sitting on my chest.
- Frasier: Dad, will you stop showing these crime scene photos? You're embarrassing me.
- Martin: Oh, these society people eat this up. Besides, she was the one that brought it up.
- Frasier: Oh, she brought it up? Bethany van Pelt, the head of the Junior League, brought up the subject of a hooker whose body was hideously dismembered and scattered all over an abandoned warehouse?
- Martin: Yeah, she asked, "aren't these Swedish meatballs the messiest things you've ever seen?" and I said, "No, as a matter of fact..."
- Martin Crane: What are you going to do now?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, they've forced my hand. I'm going to call the police.
- Martin Crane: Five-five-five three thousand.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Thanks, Dad. Try to mess with Dr. Frasier Crane, I'll teach them.
- [into phone]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, yes. Oh, just a second. Dad, who do I ask for?
- Martin Crane: Have them put you through to the fine arts forgery department.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Hello, yes, the fine arts forgery department, please... Dad, they're laughing at me.
- Martin Crane: Give me the phone.
- [Frasier does]
- Martin Crane: Hi, who's this? Hey, Doris. Yeah, Marty Crane. Yeah, that was my son. Yeah, I just thought he needed a bite of a reality sandwich. Yeah, yeah, give my best to the guys. Thanks. Bye.
- Frasier: Ahh, Italia - the rolling hills of Toscana, the art of Firenze, the passion that is Venizia...
- Frasier: I don't believe it! You're shining me on. You are shining me on! Where is the fairness of this, where is the justice?
- Phillip Hayson: Dr. Crane, if you ever find justice in this world, let me know, will you? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
- Frasier: What? Did a crate of freshly-painted Rembrandts just arrive?
- Frasier: Damn it, Niles, where is the justice? Where am I supposed to turn to? I'm a, a beloved household personality and I've been screwed!