Frasier (TV Series)

The Apparent Trap (1999)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Quotes 

• [Niles and Lilith see each other for the first time after their fling] 

  Frasier : It happened, take from it what you can learn, move on.

  Niles : Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice-cream headache.

  Lilith : You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole.

• Martin : Has the witch gone yet?

  Frasier : Lilith's still here, dad.

  Martin : Oh, in that case, I'll ask you too, Lilith. Has my twitch gone yet? I had some very strong coffee this morning and...

  Lilith : Skillfully done, Martin.

• [Frasier is worried that Lilith is coming on to him] 

  Frasier : Tell you what, Dad. Take a minute and then come back in. See what you think's going on in there and then find some subtle way to tell me what you think.

  Martin : All right, okay. Just give me a minute.

  [a few minutes later, Martin re-enters the apartment] 

  Martin : Oh, excuse me again, I just came back to get an umbrella in case it rains. But I hope it doesn't, because Eddie's just dying to play this new game I taught him. I take off his leash and I say, "Run for your life!" Yep, that's exactly what I say, "Run for your life!"

  Frasier : Thank you, Dad.

  Martin : Okay.

  [starts to leave, then] 

  Martin : Run for your life!

• Lilith : Do I know my son, or do I know my son?

  Frasier : He was willing to put us through absolute hell just for a minibike?

  Lilith : You know what this means, don't you?

  Frasier : Yes, he's normal. We're not bad parents. Well done, Dr. Sternin.

  Lilith : Well done, Dr. Crane.

• Frasier : Who is this colleague anyway?

  Lilith : He's the man who supplies me with lab rats. It's about time we got together socially. I've known him for over fifty-two generations.

• Lilith : If he wants something badly enough, he will figure out a way to get it. Remember when he was a baby, the bottle at the end of the maze?

  Frasier : You know, I kinda regret doing that.

• Lilith : Well, we really should get in there.

  Frasier : Yes, I suppose we should. Must be sheer torment for him, waiting for the ax to fall.

  Lilith : Absolute hell.

  Frasier : Absolute nightmare.

  Frasier : Wine?

  Lilith : Love some.

• Frasier : We've got to go in there, tell him the truth and make it up to him. Even if it takes a fleet of minibikes!

  Lilith : No, no, Frasier. Please, we called his bluff. Now, he's calling ours. The question is, what's our next move?

  Frasier : Oh, I know, why don't we just consult this handy little guide for divorced parents?

  Lilith : We can't blink first, we've got to up the ante.

  Frasier : Good idea, Lilith! You know what? Let's go in there and promise him the baby brother he'll never have!

• Frederick : I'm going to go call my friends. I love you.

  [exits] 

  Lilith : I don't understand, I was so sure.

  Frasier : Oh gee, don't be so tough on yourself, Lilith. After all, what parent doesn't at one time or another completely obliterate their child's chances of ever trusting another human being? Oh well, there he is. Telling his friends that all of his dreams have come true.

  Lilith : Unless that's what he wants us to think?

  Frasier : When will you stop?

  Frederick : [Lilith puts the phone on speaker to listen in on Frederick's call]  It worked! All I did was tap into my parents' feelings of inadequacy and they crumbled.

  Frederick's friend : What does that mean?

  Frederick : I'm getting a minibike.

  Lilith : Frederick.

  Frederick : Uh-oh!

  [hangs up]