- [Niles and Martin are ribbing Frasier about sleeping with his music teacher]
- Martin: Boy, this really fries me, you know? That woman taking advantage of my kid. Not to mention I was putting out ten bucks a week for piano lessons so you could get your hedge trimmed.
- Niles: Wait a minute. We're not talking about Miss Warner?
- Martin: Don't tell me this was going on during your lessons, too.
- Niles: No. You'll be relieved to know that while Frasier was getting his Rachmaninoffs, I was actually studying music.
- [Niles and Martin are discussing a hot new romance novel]
- Niles: Maris is reading "Slow Tango In South Seattle." I think it's put thoughts in her head. This morning I found her cooing over the college student who skims the koi pond.
- Martin: I wouldn't concern myself.
- Niles: Do you think it's just innocent flirting?
- Martin: No, I just wouldn't concern myself.
- Martin: You kill me, you know. You get exactly what you want and you're still not happy. Frasier, life is not hard: you make it hard. You don't just let things happen and enjoy it, you gotta analyze everything to death. You could learn a big lesson from this dog here.
- [Gestures to Eddie rolling on the floor]
- Martin: You know what makes him happy? A sock!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [after a much younger man comes to call on Miss Warner] Are you and he...?
- Clarise Warner: Uh huh. I wasn't interested in 40 year old men then, and I guess I'm still not.
- Mrs. Warner: [Frasier has mistaken Mrs. Warner for Clarise] Dear, this is Frasier Crane. Apparently, we were quite an item once.
- Clarise Warner: Frasier Crane? Well, what are you doing here?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Obviously making an enormous mistake.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I can't believe this. I simply cannot believe it.
- Martin: What are you yapping about?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: This... this book. It was written by a man I knew. He's taken an incident from my own life - something I shared with him in confidence one night - and he's turned it into this... this trash!
- Daphne Moon: "Slow Tango"? I just started reading that. You mean to tell me that young man is based on you, Dr. Crane?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, he is, but did Thomas Jay Fallow have the grace to thank me? No! My name isn't even listed in his acknowledgements!
- Martin: What's it about, anyway?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not important.
- Daphne Moon: It's about his first time.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Thank you, Daphne.
- Niles: Your first time doing what?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastic again] Changing a flat tire.
- Niles: Oh... oh!
- Martin: So this whole book's about the night you conceived Frederick?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Very amusing, dad. I'll have you know that was not my first time.
- Martin: Hey, I'm happy to know it wasn't your only time.
- Niles: Just who was this charitable lass?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: That is not important.
- Daphne Moon: His piano teacher.
- Martin: His piano teacher?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [sarcastically] Thank you again, Daphne!
- [Bulldog and Gil are reading passages from a romance novel]
- Bulldog: [laughing] "I wept as our bodies made the music of love."
- Gil Chesterson: [laughing] "I'm your rhapsody, play me!"
- Bulldog: [laughing] "Crescendo, my young maestro, crescendo!"
- Gil Chesterson: My vessel yearns to dock in the magnificence of your harbor.
- Bulldog: [laughs, then stops] Hey, that's not in the book!
- Bulldog Briscoe: [after Bulldog learns about Frasier's first time] I had a similar experience when I was sixteen, with an older woman who introduced me to the mysteries of love. Of course, she was a hooker.
- [Roz looks shocked]
- Bulldog Briscoe: Hey, it was a birthday present from my dad, okay? You wanna know the ironic thing, doc? All I wanted was a bike!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: I came here to apologize about more than just the book. I never felt quite right about the way I left things. I abandoned you, it was selfish and cowardly.
- Clarise Warner: Oh Frasier, relax. I always felt guilty for short-changing you on your music lessons. Do you still keep it up?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: [Frasier gives Clarice a look at these words of confusion and then realizes her meaning] Oh, the piano! Yes!