Frasier (TV Series)

Secret Admirer (1998)

John Mahoney: Martin Crane

Quotes 

• Niles : [about Maris]  What is wrong with that woman?

  Martin : Why don't you start, Frasier? I'll jump in when you get hoarse.

• Martin : Hey guys.

  Niles : Hey there.

  Daphne Moon : So, who won the squash game?

  Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh Daphne, it's not about winning or losing, its about the thrill of competition.

  Martin : Congratulations Niles.

• [Niles opens a box and pulls shredded paper aside. There is a small ring box which he opens. The only thing inside is a coin. He picks up the card and reads...] 

  Niles : Roses are red, your heart is fickle. When I'm through with you... all you'll have left is this nickel.

  Martin : Oh, no.

  Niles : Oh, God... she's going to ruin me.

  Dr. Frasier Crane : No, no, Niles, maybe she's bluffing. You know, once she's signed the financial settlement...

  Niles : [picking up the paper]  She's not bluffing. This IS the financial settlement.

• [Martin ruffles through the shredded paper Frasier's gift came in] 

  Martin : Look at this mess. Ah, it's too bad it's not bubble wrap. Ha! You don't know what funny is until you've seen Eddie go after a sheet of that stuff. Poppity-pop-pop-pop! He gets all scared and runs away, and then he screws up his courage and comes back again, and - poppity-pop-pop! - he runs away again. Yeah, I watched him for an hour one time. You know, it's amazing how entertained he can be by somethin' so simple.

  [pause, then] 

  Martin : Poppity-pop-pop-pop!

  [laughs] 

• Martin : Don't ask me, I'm just the ice cream man.

• Dr. Frasier Crane : How did things go with Maris?

  Niles : I wish I knew. I returned the gifts and told her there was no chance of reconciliation. She didn't get mad. In fact, she was eerily calm. She just stood there with a blank stare on her face, rubbing her ocelot.

  Martin : You know, they got a cream for that.

• [Niles realizes that the expensive gifts in Frasier's bag are meant for him] 

  Niles : [excited]  You don't suppose it's Daphne?

  Martin : [sarcastic]  Yeah, she took that second job washing that old Mrs. Lumpkin's hair just so she could give you Cartier. Besides, the note said it's someone you've been with.

  Niles : Hmm... there's been so few women since Maris. So few women before Maris. Hence there was Maris.

• [Niles gets bad news from Maris] 

  Niles : I don't believe it! I thought I made myself perfectly clear. What is wrong with that woman?

  Martin : Why don't you start, Fras? I'll jump in when you get hoarse.

• Martin : Sounds like it's from someone who dumped you.

  Daphne Moon : Well, that's no short list now, is it?

  Martin : You know, maybe it's that Sonja woman he was going out with.

  Daphne Moon : Wasn't there a sister, too?

  Martin : And a niece!

  Niles : Oh, yes, he went through that family like a recessive gene.