Frasier (TV Series)
Room Service (1998)
David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane
Photos
Quotes
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[Frasier finds Niles in Lilith's hotel room, and realizes they have slept together]
Lilith : If you could look at this rationally for one moment: we didn't actually do anything wrong.
Frasier : [incredulous] What? You didn't do anything wrong?
Niles : I'm a little unclear on that myself, but I'm willing to go along with it!
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Niles : [Frasier re-enters the hotel room after previously storming out upon discovering that his ex-wife, Lilith, and his brother, Niles, have spent the night together] I knew you couldn't stay mad at us.
Frasier : I'm in a bathrobe, you jackass!
Dr. Lilith Sternin : I can understand your shock, and believe me, if I could erase everything that happened last night, I would, but if you could just look at this rationally, just for a moment... we didn't technically do anything wrong.
Frasier : What? You "didn't do *anything* wrong"?
Niles : I'm a little unclear on that myself, but I'm willing to go along with it.
Dr. Lilith Sternin : You and I are no longer married. Neither is Niles. I won't say this is my shining hour, but we are not responsible to you or anyone else for our actions.
Frasier : You're actually defending what you did.
Dr. Lilith Sternin : Just listen. The past few days have been *the* worst of my life. I have never been less self-assured, more in need of validation, both as a person and especially as a woman. Niles was feeling the same thing.
Niles : Exactly. Wait a minute.
Dr. Lilith Sternin : Our physical reaction to each other was nothing more than a desperate attempt to reaffirm our own worth.
Frasier : Well, that is very impressive, Dr. Sternin. But I, too, happen to be a psychiatrist. Let me tell you what actually transpired. This... was a passive-aggressive manifestation of your deep resentments toward me. Niles, you were punishing me for my notoriety; you, for my successful adjustment after our divorce. It is this *shared* bond that brought the two of you to your palace of sweet revenge.
Dr. Lilith Sternin : Allow me to rebut. What a crock!
Frasier : It is not!
Dr. Lilith Sternin : It is so! This is yet another example of your complete self-absorption, which is the reason we could not stay together in the first place.
Frasier : I have a right to... Why am *I* defending myself?
Niles : If you ask me, you are both off the mark. Last night was about two people ruled by very powerful superegos, tortured by them, who found a chance, however misguided, to break through and rediscover their ids together. Call me an old softy, but that's how I see it.
Frasier : Okay, then. The three of us have certainly analyzed the crap out of this.
Dr. Lilith Sternin : [...] You realize if you had simply given in to me last night instead of this morning, the three of us would not be in this hell.
Frasier : No. It would be the two of us in a whole different hell.
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Frasier : [Referring to Lilith] Damn her lily-white hide! She knows what she's doing dressing like that. The woman plays me like a lute.
[...]
Frasier : Look at me, I've got all the resistance of a horny stag! Niles, you got to help me through this...
[...]
Frasier : Niles, I need your help resisting Lilith.
Niles : All right, all right. Let me think, let me think. I think I have the answer.
[...]
Niles : When you feel yourself yielding to her, summon an image so repellent you'll be incapable of any sexual desire. And... remember the summer we were at Uncle Henry's farm? We found that dead horse lying in the hot sun crawling with maggots?
Frasier : Yes, yes, of course.
Niles : Hold on to that picture. You can ride that horse to safety.
Frasier : Thank you, Niles. I think that might just do the trick. When it comes to an ugly image, you can't beat a dead horse.
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Dr. Niles Crane : Are we OK?
Dr. Frasier Crane : No, we're not.
[Long pause]
Dr. Frasier Crane : ... But we will be.
Dr. Niles Crane : Well, that's enough for now.
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Niles : [to Frasier, laughing] We're an odd little family, aren't we?
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Dr. Niles Crane : [about Frasier] Is he still here?
Dr. Lilith Sternin : Yes. He wants to make love to me.
Dr. Niles Crane : Does the man have no scruples? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you. But the minute my back is turned he sneaks back here - and yes, I'm aware of the irony.
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Niles : If you ask me, you are both off the mark. Last night was about two people, ruled by very powerful superegos - tortured by them, who found a chance - however misguided - to break through and rediscover their ids together. Call me an old softie, but that's how I see it.
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Dr. Niles Crane : [after a phone call with Maris's divorce lawyers] Hey, I'm not sleepy. That conversation should have put me out like a light!
Dr. Lilith Sternin : Well, it's not surprising. Your experience with Maris has been emasculating. Last night may have gone a long way towards restoring your self-confidence.
Dr. Niles Crane : Of course! And by the same token you can now give up the neurotic assumption that Brian left you because you are unattractive. You have ample evidence to the contrary.
Dr. Lilith Sternin : Yes, I have!
[smugly]
Dr. Lilith Sternin : Well, to hell with Brian! If he wants a prissy little wife, he can keep Stan!
Dr. Frasier Crane : So,
[sarcastically]
Dr. Frasier Crane : isn't this peachy! Everything's turned out just fine for everyone. You two have solved your problems, the waiter received a handsome tip, Niles and I have matching bathrobes, and looky here! It's not even nine-thirty yet!
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Dr. Lilith Sternin : Frasier, try to understand...
Dr. Niles Crane : Yes, what happened last night was just...
Dr. Frasier Crane : Oh, stop it, both of you! Enough! It happened, and I'm just going to have to deal with it.
[bitter chuckle]
Dr. Frasier Crane : I suppose in a twisted way there is one positive for me in this: you see, Lilith, I have never stopped desiring you - even though we are completely wrong for each other! But now, from this day forward, whenever I look at you, I will see the back of my brother's head! And that is one bucket of ice water, let me tell ya!
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Niles : Food in the bathroom!
