Frasier (TV Series)
Martin Does It His Way (1995)
Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane
Quotes
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Frasier : Dad? I thought we had an agreement. Eddie doesn't roll around on my sofa and I don't throw him in front of a bus.
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Frasier : Hello, Eileen, I'm listening.
Eileen : Dr. Crane, I've been very happily married for twenty years and I wouldn't dream of cheating, but lately when we're making love I find myself fantasizing about people... other than my husband.
Frasier : Well, that's perfectly normal. It's quite normal to spice up one's love life by imagining a tryst with, oh, a sports figure or a movie star or...
Eileen : Or a radio psychiatrist?
Frasier : Excuse me?
Eileen : It's your voice, Dr. Crane. You must have the most sensuous voice on earth.
Frasier : [sensuously] Oh, I don't know, Eileen.
Eileen : I've never seen your picture. Would you mind describing yourself?
Frasier : Oh, well I don't really think that's appropriate...
Roz : I'll do it.
Frasier : Roz, I don't think...
Roz : He's about six-one, with a granite jaw and the broad shoulders of a marine. He's been wearing his hair short lately but that only accentuates his cobalt blue eyes, his chiseled cheekbones and his full, provocative lips.
Eileen : Wow! Thanks, Roz, and thank you, Dr. Crane. I'll be thinking of you tonight. With any luck, twice!
Frasier : Well, this is Dr. Frasier Crane feeling a little red in his chiseled cheeks. Till tomorrow then, this is KACL 780 AM.
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Frasier : Roz, that was quite a flattering description. You know, just out of curiosity: Were you just helping that lady with her fantasy or do you really see me that way?
Roz : [in a sultry voice] You really don't know, do you? Frasier, I am so attracted to you. I always have been.
[comes closer]
Roz : Your looks, your voice.
[stradles him and bends him backwards in his chair]
Roz : You don't know how many times I've wanted to strip naked and hurl myself at that glass partition like a bug on a windshield!
Frasier : Are you through?
Roz : [smacks his head] Well, ask a stupid question.
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[on the morning of Frasier's aunt's funeral, Daphne sneezes explosively]
Frasier : God bless you, Daphne. Are you sure you're up to coming to the memorial?
Daphne Moon : Oh, it's just a little cold. Besides, in my family, when there was a funeral everybody went. I remember when Grammy Moon passed on. My brothers had been off on a three-day bender. They couldn't even stand on their own - pissed as newts! But they crawled to that chapel on their hands and knees.
Frasier : Very commendable.
Daphne Moon : Yeah, well, they had an obligation. They were the pallbearers.
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Frasier : My aunt died. I'm off to her lawyer's now. She put me in charge of her memorial.
Roz : Oh I'm so sorry.
Frasier , Roz : Don't be. She was a dreadful old harpy, made everyone's life around her miserable.
Roz : That should look nice on her headstone.
Frasier : Well, I don't mean any disrespect, but you know, the entire time I knew her, she never said anything to me that wasn't scornful, derisive, or contemptuous.
Roz : So how come she made you in charge of her memorial?
Frasier : I was her favorite.
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Frasier : Apparently, it was Aunt Louise's wish that Niles dispose of her ashes.
Niles : Now the pressure's on me to find the perfect place for her to rest for eternity. I haven't the faintest idea what to do with her.
Martin : Why don't you just flush her down the toilet.
Daphne Moon : Mr. Crane, you can't do that.
Martin : Why not, she loved water.