- Niles: Well in honor of what happened today, a toast to winging it.What greater thrill is there than going down an unknown path, not quite sure where it will lead. Just enjoying the way that path wends and... and what it looks like and... and where it goes off to a...
- Frasier: Perhaps you should have left a trail of breadcrumbs before you started down that toast.
- Martin Crane: Nice meeting you, ladies. I'm really glad the boys brought you over. And it's been a long time since I said that and meant it.
- Niles: [Frasier has thrown Niles's cell phone out the door] What are you doing? What if she's changed her mind again, how I am supposed to know what to think?
- Frasier: I'm just going to say this one last time. This weekend is not about thinking, it's about doing. Doing something that the Crane boys haven't done for a very, very long time! For once in our miserable, sex-starved lives, can't we do something pleasurable without thinking it to death?
- [Unaware to the boys, Laura and Beth enter the room]
- Frasier: Don't think about today, don't think about what's right! Don't even think of them as Laura and Beth! For tonight they are just two live, breathing, available female bodies who want us!
- Laura Paris: Think again!
- [Laura and Beth slam their doors]
- Frasier: You know, I think the key to a good kitchen is comfort.
- Beth Armstrong: Well, that's a whole current trend - a living room feel in the kitchen.
- Niles: Except of course with our father, who favors a kitchen feel in the living room.
- Niles: Well, Dad wasn't really thrilled with the women we married.
- Frasier: Yes, fortunately my taste has improved a lot since then.
- Laura Paris: [suggestive] I think your taste is fabulous.
- [pause]
- Laura Paris: I'm referring to the brandy, of course.
- Frasier: [Looking into his glass] Hmm, velvety texture, great body.
- [Eyes Laura suggestively]
- Frasier: I'm not.
- Frasier: Hello ladies, excuse me, would you mind terribly if we joined you until another table opens up?
- Laura Paris: Oh, please do!
- Frasier: Oh, thank you so much, that's very kind. I'm Frasier and...
- [pauses to look at Niles wiping down his chair]
- Frasier: ... this gentleman dusting for fingerprints is my brother, Niles.
- Martin Crane: All right. Okay.
- [reading to Daphne]
- Martin Crane: With a gasp of dismay, she ran to him, her amethyst eyes wide with alarm. 'You fool,' she hissed, 'Suppose someone saw you. The Duke's men are everywhere'.
- [looks up]
- Martin Crane: Hey, this isn't so bad.
- Daphne Moon: I told you.
- Martin Crane: [reading again] 'You fool,' she whispered again, 'You sweet, brave, wonderful fool. I should have died had you not found my bedchamber.'
- [suddenly embarrassed]
- Martin Crane: Oh, Geez!
- [reads]
- Martin Crane: Then she was in his arms and all her qualms forgotten as she tore his tunic asunder and thrust her eager lips against the sinews of his naked chest.
- [He looks over to Daphne who seems to be asleep. He turns some pages and starts reading again]
- Martin Crane: The next morning...
- Daphne Moon: You left out a section!
- Martin Crane: Okay, okay!
- [goes back, reads]
- Martin Crane: As his brazen fingers peeled the silken fabric from her heaving...
- [coughs the word bosom out as he turns red]
- Martin Crane: ... he beheld her quivering alabaster mounds.
- [takes a huge gulp of his beer to wet his suddenly dry throat]
- Martin Crane: At that moment she felt the proof of his rampant passion...
- [he sweeps his forehead of sweat]
- Martin Crane: against her milky thighs. His almost God-like beauty was marred only...
- [he looks over to a sleeping Daphne]
- Martin Crane: ... by the fact that he was...
- [closes book]
- Martin Crane: cross-eyed, three feet tall and had breath like owl droppings!
- Frasier: Niles, I can't take this anymore.
- Niles: These women are as inscrutable as sphinxes.
- Frasier: Yes. Since we've got here all they've done is send us the most veiled, cloaked, cryptic messages. Can't they just give us one clear signal?
- Beth Armstrong: [enters] Well, I'm off to bed. Niles, are you coming?
- [exits to bedroom]
- Niles: [missing the implication] Curse these infernal riddles!
- [Frasier and Niles are trying to figure out if their dates' intentions are platonic or not]
- Niles: Oh, I know! Their luggage will tell us! We'll put my bag in with your date's, and your bag in with my date's. They'll see the mistake, and the way they correct it will tell us with whom they're planning to spend the night - each other, or us - and either way, it'll all look like a simple misunderstanding.
- Frasier: You've done this before!
- Niles: Only on my honeymoon, now hurry.
- [They start to move the suitcases, but Frasier stops]
- Frasier: Niles, this is idiotic! We're both trained psychiatrists.
- Niles: Yes, and finally it's paying off!
- Frasier: This afternoon, for the first time in your life, a perfectly lovely woman that you don't even know has agreed to go away with you on a weekend. Isn't that exactly the kind of scenario you've always dreamed of?
- Niles: [Niles thinks about it, and is unable to keep from smiling] Yes.
- Frasier: And if you pass it up, won't you regret it?
- Niles: [more energetic] Yes.
- Frasier: Well then, for once in your timid, risk-free life, don't you think it's time you grabbed that brass ring?
- Laura Paris: [the girls enter] Great kitchen, Frasier! You guys feel like firing up the cappuccino maker?
- Niles: [with gusto] Yes!
- [pause]
- Niles: Of course, if I have that much caffiene at this hour, it'll probably make me...
- [Frasier hits him]
- Niles: YES!
- Niles: [to Maris, over the phone] I, er, well, here's the thing: I know that we're allowed to see other people. Em, my question is, how much of them are we allowed to see?
- Frasier: Well Niles, you don't need a decoder ring to understand the phrase, "Make your own entertainment!"
- Niles: Just the mention of a double-bowled stainless steel sink with integral drain boards makes me hum like a sub-zero freezer.
- Frasier: [trying to figure out if their double date is intimate or not] What do you suppose she meant when she said 'make our own entertainment?' But then again, there is that other part she said, 'sleep like a baby'.
- Niles: Yes, they could be thinking platonic. The two of them in one room sleeping like babies.
- Frasier: The two of us in another room crying like babies.
- Martin Crane: So, you've been out on a double date, huh?
- Beth Armstrong: Well, sort of. We met this afternoon and the next thing we knew, your sons were taking us out to dinner and then to the Seattle Rep.
- Martin Crane: Oh, what did you see?
- Laura Paris: 'The Man Who Came To Dinner.' It's about a bad-tempered invalid that moves into these people's house and just drives them crazy.
- Martin Crane: Oh, comedy?
- Frasier: I used to think so.