Frasier (TV Series)

Caught in the Act (2004)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Quotes 

• [Frasier's re-married ex-wife comes to town] 

  Frasier : My problem now is that she's invited me to her dressing room for an... après-show tryst.

  Niles : You're not going?

  Frasier : Well...

  Niles : Frasier!

  Frasier : Niles, if you had any idea how much pain she's in. The woman is reaching out to me to rescue her from a loveless marriage, from - from a career she feels trapped in. If I could help her make a new beginning, wouldn't it be heartless of me to deny myself to her?

  Niles : ...Did you say something? Your penis was talking so loud I couldn't hear.

• Frasier : She hit on me in the children's bookstore. Where I bought her CD. Trust me, the woman is a sexual volcano just waiting to erupt!

  Niles : Judging from some of these song titles, you may be right. "Nanny's Messy Bed" "I Feel Something Great Inside Me" "Bannisters are Fun."

• Niles : Will you listen to yourself?

  Frasier : Oh, this is more than just sex, Niles. This is passion, kismet. A gift the gods bestow on only a chosen few. Wouldn't the real sin be to refuse it?

  Niles : Isn't that your old second-piece-of-pie argument?

  Frasier : Well, maybe it is, but I haven't had "pie" in six months.

• [Niles enters the cafe with a shopping bag] 

  Frasier : The Gap, Niles? I didn't know you shopped there.

  Niles : I just discovered it! Apparently, there are a number of them.

  Frasier : [suspicious]  And what did you buy there?

  Niles : Oh, well, let's see... some wine glasses, and a bud vase...

  Frasier : That's Pottery Barn, you jackass! Give me that!

• Martin : [learns Nanette is stopping by]  She better be bringing her checkbook with her.

  Frasier : Oh Dad, not this again.

  Martin : I was still paying for that wedding six months after you got divorced! Nanette didn't have any family, she got lucky.

  Niles : Oh yes, orphans get all the breaks.