- Dr. Niles Crane: You see, last week, my lady got on the wrong side of Larry Law, and since then, certain, shall you say, complications have arisen. And now things are hot, hot, hot. And we hear you're the man to turn on the air conditionin'.
- Jerome Belasco: I sense you're a film buff, Dr. Crane.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [on Maris] She drove up on the sidewalk, and when the police ran her name through the computer, they found quite a little backlog of unpaid parking tickets.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: What else would you expect from a woman who thinks her chocolate allergy entitles her to park in a handicapped space?
- [Frasier fears he has offended a mobster]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, I'll have a non-fat, decaf latte, please. Oh, what the hell? Look, make it a full-fat mocha with extra whipped cream. What the hell, put a slice of bacon on it!
- Dr. Niles Crane: I heard you on the radio today, I thought what you did was noble.
- [pause]
- Dr. Niles Crane: To what South American nation will you be fleeing?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh, like I'd tell you. One minute of interrogation and you would crack like a Jordan almond!
- Brandi: Money ain't everything, especially when you got a sex life like ours.
- Roz Doyle: He's not even good in bed?
- Brandi: Who knows? We're never there long enough to find out.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh for... you know this really isn't necessary...
- Brandi: I said to him last night, "What the hell was that? I've been vaccinated slower!"
- [Frasier snatches Jerome's card from Niles]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Are you mad? I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a... a Martin Scorsese film!
- Jerome Belasco: [reading a list of Maris's arrest charges] Ignoring a summons, speeding, reckless endangerment. Your wife sounds like a very carefree lady.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Oh yes, she's ounces of fun.
- Roz Doyle: You know, I was once involved with a guy who got into trouble with the cops...
- Dr. Niles Crane: Notice the complete absence of gasps following that statement.
- Roz Doyle: [gives Niles a card] Here you go, Jerome Belasco.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Oh Roz, you are an angel of mercy. How can I repay you?
- Roz Doyle: The next time you have a smart remark about my sex life, or what I'm wearing, you just keep it to yourself.
- Dr. Niles Crane: [looks her up and down] Consider it done.
- [she snatches the card back]
- Daphne Moon: What a horrible thing to happen. Can you imagine poor Mrs. Crane confined to a jail cell?
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Only if they moved the bars closer together.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: So she has agreed to marry you?
- Jerome Belasco: If I get her a job... not just any job, a job that she can never lose. A job where if she burns the place down, they will apologize to her for having made it so flammable.
- Jerome Belasco: No, I'm saying she's a dodo. Now you may love a dodo; you may think the dodo is beautiful; you may even wish to marry the dodo. But you do not encourage a dodo to fly!
- Martin Crane: So Jerome, you didn't tell us what line of work you're in.
- Daphne Moon: Let me guess. I'm a bit psychic. Let's see... you're some sort of a doctor. An osteopath, perhaps?
- Jerome Belasco: No.
- Daphne Moon: Well that's odd. I can see you hovering over people with broken bones.
- Dr. Niles Crane: Thank you. I just know this man is the answer to my problems.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Yes, who better to mend the fragile fabric of a troubled marriage than a man whose business address is a wharf!
- Dr. Niles Crane: Alright, fine. If you won't help me, I'll just have to help myself. I'm going down to that precinct house, and I'm not leaving until I get justice. Well, not exactly justice, I suppose, more like preferential treatment, but I'm not leaving 'til I get it!
- Dr. Niles Crane: [enters] Frasier, I feel as if I'm being sucked into a vortex of rage and despair!
- Dr. Frasier Crane: Well, right back atcha!
- Jerome Belasco: Now if you'll excuse me, gentlemen, I've got another business engagement.
- Dr. Frasier Crane: At this hour of the night? My God, it's past midnight. What kind of business could it...
- [realises what he's saying]
- Dr. Frasier Crane: ...possibly be of mine where you're going?
- [laughs nervously]
- Martin Crane: [Jerome has threatened Frasier into recommending Brandi agree to marriage] Listen, I've heard your show. One more piece of half-assed advice isn't going to kill you.