- Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan: Gee, isn't this your cue to say, "Curses, foiled again?"
- Mother Emma Buchanan: Dear, sweet Alexandria, so much wit. So little inheritance.
- Mother Emma Buchanan: I am only looking out for my son's happiness. Why does everyone treat me like some evil, manipulative witch?
- Delilah Buchanan: Well, partly it's cuz you're always interfering. And partly it's cuz you're always trying to control everybody.
- Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan: But mostly it's those flying monkeys you keep in your garage.
- Bree Buchanan: She's always saying the meanest things but in a way that almost makes them sound nice.
- Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan: Bree, we understand, we have been dealing with that ever since we married her boys. Being passive-aggressive is Mother Buchanan's specialty. At Roy's and my nineteenth anniversary last year, she made a toast to "my son Roy and his lovely wife whose name escapes me at the moment."
- Bree Buchanan: Ever since we moved in with Mother Buchanan, Jesse hasn't been able to... you know.
- Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan: Bree, I think I speak for all of us when I say I don't know.
- Bree Buchanan: Jesse hasn't been able to make love. There's something about being in the same house with his mother that makes him unable to... perform.
- Delilah Buchanan: Well sweetie, we've all been there.
- Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan: This hasn't happened to any of us!
- Delilah Buchanan: Well, what am I supposed to say? "Sorry you're married to a freak?"
- Bree Buchanan: Up until my wedding night I was a virgin and I always wondered what all the fuss was about. But now that's I've had sex, I like it! I like it a lot.
- Vivian Buchanan: That's because you're a newlywed. Once you've been married a few years, sex will seem less like a tantalizing pleasure and much more like a chore. A chore you're forced to perform on birthdays, holidays and Superbowl Sunday. Don't ask.
- Mother Emma Buchanan: Bree, I came to apologize for my behavior when you said you and Jesse were moving out. I may have overreacted.
- Bree Buchanan: May have? You tried to kick me!
- Mother Emma Buchanan: For Heaven's sakes, Bree, I have the gout. It would have hurt me more than you!