Father Ted (TV Series)

Speed 3 (1998)

Dermot Morgan: Father Ted Crilly

Photos 

Quotes 

• Father Ted : I know what's going on, Pat Mustard. There are some very hairy babies on Craggy Island, and I think you are the hairy baby-maker.

  Pat Mustard : Oh, yeah? Well, I think that you would need proof if you were going to make that sort of an accusation. And I'm a very careful man, Father. A very careful man!

  Father Ted : Except when it comes to taking precautions in the bedroom.

  Pat Mustard : Ah, w-... you certainly wouldn't be advising the use of artificial contraception now, Father, would you?

  Father Ted : Yes, I... well... if you're going to be... of course you will... JUST FECK OFF!

• Father Ted Crilly : [commenting on the babies at the competition Fathers Ted and Dougal judged]  This sounds terrible to say but if you take...

  [denoting a respective picture] 

  Father Ted Crilly : this baby's facial hair, this baby's moustache and this baby's sideboards, I think you'll get... I think you get Pat Mustard!

  Father Dougal McGuire : Are they copying his style?

• Mrs. Doyle : Father Crilly, Pat wants to know if he can put his massive tool in my box.

  Father Ted : Now see here!

  [Pat holds up a huge wrench] 

  Pat Mustard : It won't fit in mine.

• Father Ted : [Checking his tea]  This is a very milky cup of tea Mrs Doyle. This is almost an all milk cup of tea. I mean, is there any tea in here at all?

  Mrs. Doyle : Well, no.

  Father Ted : Anyone would think you were trying to use up all the milk so that, so that Pat Mustard could come here more often.

  Mrs. Doyle : [Pouring milk into a plant]  Haw haw haw haw. Pat's very interesting though Father. At the weekends, he's a swimming instructor in the pool and he fought in Vietnam and he's a former Mr Universe and he taught Elvis Presley how to play karate.

  Father Ted : Well it sounds to me as though he's telling you a few tall tales. What do you think Dougal?

  Father Dougal McGuire : Well Ted, I'm very cynical as you know.

  Mrs. Doyle : Well Father, it's not my place I know, but it sounds to me like you're a little bit jealous.

  Father Ted : Jealous? Of Mr milky man? I very much think not.

• Father Ted Crilly : Dougal, listen to me. There's a bomb on the milk float!

  Father Dougal McGuire : A bomb. Right. Who's that for?

• Father Ted Crilly : [as Ted, Father Beeching and Father Clarke finish watching 'The Poseidon Adventure']  Well, that was no help at all.

  Father Beeching : He didn't even say Mass.

• Father Dougal McGuire : God, it's terrible to think of all that lovely milk floating around and going sour, with no-one dropping it off anywhere. I wish I could do it.

  Mr. Fox : Well, we could certainly trust you, Father. You are after all, a man of God.

  Father Dougal McGuire : A what?

  Father Ted Crilly : A priest.

  Father Dougal McGuire : Well, yeah. Thanks for reminding me! But I'd love to be a milkman for a while. That'd be fantastic. God knows I do flip all around here.

  Mr. Fox : That's not a bad idea. You could certainly fill in for a while.

  Father Ted Crilly : Oh, I'm not sure. Father Maguire has other duties in the parish.

  Father Dougal McGuire : Like what?

  [Ted thinks, but can't answer]