Father Ted (TV Series)

Chirpy Burpy Cheap Sheep (1998)

Ardal O'Hanlon: Father Dougal McGuire

Quotes 

• Father Dougal McGuire : [Describing the beast]  They say it's as big as four cats and it's got a retractable leg so it can leap up at you better. And you know what Ted, it lights up at night and it's git four ears, two of them are for listening and the other two are kind of backup ears and it's claws are as big as cups and for some reason it's got a tremendous fear of stamps. And Mrs Doyle was telling me that it's got magnets on it's tail so if your made out metal, it can attach itself to you and instead of a mouth, it's got four arses.

• Father Dougal McGuire : Ted, it's pointless even thinking about it, you're only wasting your time, there's nothing we can do about the situation. We just have to except the fact and that's that.

  Father Ted Crilly : Maybe if we brought Chris over here? Maybe the change of scenery would do him good.

  Father Dougal McGuire : Oh wow, brilliant. I knew there was something we could do. Didn't I say it? Didn't I say it to you there just a second ago?

  Father Ted Crilly : [Looking confused]  No... no you didn't. You said the exact opposite. There was nothing we could do.

  Father Dougal McGuire : Actually Ted, you've done this to me before, so I took the liberty of taping the conversation.

  [He pulls out a tape recorder] 

  Father Dougal McGuire : Now we'll just have a listen.

  [the tape plays Dougal's earlier speech about there being nothing they can do] 

  Father Dougal McGuire : I stand corrected.