- Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight, I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players' production of The King And I. Tom?
- Tom Tucker: Thanks, Diane. In other news, I won't be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy.
- Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case.
- Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news: we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?
- Lois Griffin: [auditioning cast members] Stewie! Do you wanna try out for Mommy's play?
- Stewie Griffin: [ascending the stage, soberly] "Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer, by the son of York. And all - "
- Lois Griffin: [interrupts] Just sing "Itsy Bitsy Spider".
- Stewie Griffin: [infuriated] HOW DARE you reduce my finely-hewn thespian style into mere Mother Gooseries?
- Lois Griffin: [oblivious] OK, sing "Baa Baa Black Sheep".
- Stewie Griffin: [simmering] You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage Helen Hayes once said..."I'm going to KILL you!"
- Peter Griffin: [Lois has explained to Peter that he is a producer, not director] Then what am I supposed to do with my great ideas? Put them in a tub and clean myself with them? Because that's what soap is for, Lois.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life.
- Peter Griffin: That's not true. I wrote "Bonfire of the Vanities."
- Lois Griffin: No, you didn't.
- Peter Griffin: [pause] You win this round, Lois.
- Peter Griffin: Okay, let's run this scene again. Now, remember, Diane, you're playing Anna; a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life.
- Diane Simmons: Um, where does it say that?
- Peter Griffin: [pointing to his head] In my noodle. Okay, places. And action.
- [Diane dances to '80s dance music, a la "Flashdance"]
- Peter Griffin: Stop. All wrong. All wrong. God, send me dancers.
- Diane Simmons: We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted.
- Peter Griffin: Well, I'm sorry, but we open the show in three hours and I don't think we're ready.
- Diane Simmons: Of course we're not. You keep changing everything.
- Peter Griffin: You bet I do. Because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her.
- Diane Simmons: I can't work this way. I quit!
- Peter Griffin: Fine.
- Joe Swanson: We can't do "The King and I" without Anna.
- Glenn Quagmire: Yeah, this is a real snafu.
- Peter Griffin: We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of Black oppression.
- Loretta Brown: Oh, thank you, Peter. I'll do it.
- Peter Griffin: Get over yourself. I was talking about me.
- Glenn Quagmire: Aw, man, "Chorus"? Shoot, what a gyp.
- Brian Griffin: The King of Siam? Why... why, that's the lead. This is so unexpected.
- Glenn Quagmire: Hey, shut up!
- Brian Griffin: [moving closer to another actor] The King of Siam? Why... why, that's the lead.
- Peter Griffin: Morning, theater fans.
- Lois Griffin: Good morning, Peter. I made your favorite breakfast.
- Peter Griffin: What the hell is this?
- Lois Griffin: French toast. I just made a few creative changes to the recipe. I think it's a lot better now.
- Peter Griffin: Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno.
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, oh, you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno. Look, the fact is, the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material and he's charming.
- Peter Griffin: Ah, you should have heard 'em laughing at me, Lois. I got great ideas, but they look at me and all they see is a loser. Except for the guy with the lazy eye. He sees a loser and the snack machine.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, a lot of creative people had mindless jobs. Michaelangelo worked in a marble quarry. Uh, Herman Melville was a customs agent. Albert Einstein worked for the patent office.
- [cutaway to Einstein stealing someone else's idea for the theory of relativity]
- Brian Griffin: I think what Lois is trying to say is you have to find a way to express yourself creatively. For example, Chris has his drawing; Meg does her birdcalls; I sing...
- [trying to butter Lois up]
- Brian Griffin: ...beautifully.
- Lois Griffin: So I've heard.
- Brian Griffin: And Lois has her theater group.
- Lois Griffin: Yes, and for my first production, I've chosen "The King and I". It's a wonderful story about a loving, patient woman who introduces culture and civility to a barbaric patriarch who... Peter, please don't wipe your nose on the couch.
- Meg Griffin: I don't get it, mom. If you're so mad at dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night?
- Lois Griffin: I came because I love the theater. I mean, if I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be?
- Chris Griffin: A bitch.
- Lois Griffin: All those years of paying my dues as musical director under that old hack have finally paid off.
- Brian Griffin: Oh, Lois, congratulations. Our little theater group finally has a committed visionary at its helm; and such an attractive one.
- Lois Griffin: Brian, you'll have to audition just like everyone else.
- Brian Griffin: Oh, god, of course. I-I... oh, you didn't think... . you thought I was...
- [bashfully]
- Brian Griffin: Ah... Lois.
- Chris Griffin: I can paint scenery.
- Meg Griffin: Can I be in the show, mom?
- Stewie Griffin: Yes, you can be the dumpy teenager who stays backstage and cries because nobody finds her attractive.
- Lois Griffin: You're not being creative. You're just destroying a wonderful show.
- Peter Griffin: Hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00 a.m.
- Lois Griffin: The only thing you create before 9:00 a.m. is exactly what you've turned my show into.
- Peter Griffin: I think my work will speak for itself.
- [leaving, then coming back]
- Peter Griffin: Oh, ha, ha. I just got that. A poop joke? That's real creative, Lois.
- Peter Griffin: Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big Christmas toy this year gets a huge bonus.
- Chris Griffin: Hey, dad, why don't you invent the frisbee? That's a awesome toy.
- Meg Griffin: It's already been invented.
- Chris Griffin: Then how come I never heard of it?
- Peter Griffin: [after the cast list is posted] Uh, Lois, I think you made a mistake. I'm not the king. I'm not "I". I'm not anybody. So, what, I had sex with you for nothing?
- Peter Griffin: Mr. Weed, distinguished members of the board, may I present this year's hottest new toy: Mr. Zucchini Head. He's got stupid/cool, hip-hop style. With his little hat... and his Doc Martens.
- Mr. Weed: Uh, thank you, Peter. That's enough.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, wait, wait, wait. This is the best part: he dances!
- [flipping a switch, it vibrates across the table]
- Happy Go Lucky Co-Workers: I've seen enough.
- Happy Go Lucky Co-Workers: How inappropriate.
- Happy Go Lucky Co-Workers: I haven't had sex in four years.
- Mr. Weed: Gentlemen, I apologize for wasting your time. Peter is an adequate assembly-line worker, but you'll be happy to know our company does not pay him to think.
- [he laughs, and Peter joins in half-heartedly]
- Mr. Weed: [taking the "zucchini"] I'll take this.
- [entering his office]
- Mr. Weed: No calls.
- Stewie Griffin: Siamese baby? Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts.
- Lois Griffin: Aw... you wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie?
- Stewie Griffin: Oh, to hell with you! Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films.
- [cutaway to a spoof of the "hair gel" scene from "There's Something About Mary"]
- Peter Griffin: Hey, can somebody give me a hand with all this talent?
- Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing here?
- Peter Griffin: Well, Lois, I tried finding my creativity, like you said. First I took an art class...
- [cutaway to him drawing a nude model]
- Peter Griffin: [to another student] Am I... am I supposed to draw the penis?
- [in the theater]
- Peter Griffin: Then I tried sculpting...
- [cutaway to him sculpting a nude model]
- Peter Griffin: [to another student] Am I... am I supposed to sculpt the penis?
- [in the theater]
- Peter Griffin: Then I tried music.
- [cutaway to him preparing to conduct a band class]
- Lois Griffin: [to a student] Am I... am I supposed to conduct with my penis?
- [in the theater]
- Peter Griffin: I was starting to think there was nothing I'd be good at, but then I realized that this is it. Lois, my penis belongs on stage.
- Lois Griffin: Let's start with the scene where Lady Thiang begs Anna to comfort the king.
- Diane Simmons: Oh, are you playing Lady Thiang?
- Loretta Brown: Mm-hmm. I was supposed to be Anna.
- Diane Simmons: Oh. Well, they did an all-you-people version of "Hello, Dolly!" that was very successful.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, Chris says you told him to build a set for the North Pole.
- Peter Griffin: Yeah, that's where Anna goes to talk with her best friend, a penguin.
- Lois Griffin: There *is* no talking penguin in "The King and I".
- Peter Griffin: There is in "Peter Griffin Presents 'The King and I'."
- Lois Griffin: What?
- Peter Griffin: Now we just gotta think of some wicked funny stuff for him to say.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, the director decides whether or not to add a character. You're the producer, remember?
- Peter Griffin: Come on, Lois, those-those hoop skirts make Diane look a little hippy, you know? I-I was thinking we could dress her in a pair of sequined capri pants.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, they didn't have capri pants in the 1860s.
- Peter Griffin: They did now.
- [mashed potatoes get thrown in his face]
- Peter Griffin: Ahh!
- Stewie Griffin: You! You are the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber!
- [throwing mashed potatoes at Lois]
- Stewie Griffin: And you! Well, I just plain don't like you.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, everyone has to audition. You know, sing dance...
- Peter Griffin: Oh, I get it.
- [getting on stage]
- Peter Griffin: Uh, hello, everybody. This is, uh, just a formality since I happen to be doing the director.
- [giggling]
- Peter Griffin: A-five, six, seven, eight.
- [singing off-key]
- Peter Griffin: Marshall, Will, and Holly/On a routine expedition/Met the greatest earthquake ever known/High on the rapids/It struck their tiny raft.
- [jumping across the stage]
- Peter Griffin: Ahhh!/And plunged them down a thousand feet below/To the land/of the lost.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, wow, Diane Simmons!
- Diane Simmons: You don't look anything like the ad. You'd better be huge.
- Peter Griffin: No, I'm Peter Griffin, producer. I'm presenting "Peter Griffin Presents 'The King and I'", a Peter Griffin production. And I'm giving you the exclusive story.
- Diane Simmons: Look, pal, some two-bit community theater production isn't news. Who's the star? For that matter, who the hell are you and why should I give a damn?
- Peter Griffin: Wow, I'm being interviewed by Diane Simmons!
- Lois Griffin: Okay, let's go from the start of scene seven. Action.
- Loretta Brown: "Oh, Missus Anna, the king needs you. You must go to him."
- Diane Simmons: "Lady Thiang, if he needs me, truly needs me, I will go to him."
- Peter Griffin: Cut! All wrong. No good.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing? She was wonderful.
- Loretta Brown: [quietly] My ass.
- Lois Griffin: Besides, I'm the director.
- Peter Griffin: I-It just doesn't feel real, you know? I mean... I mean, Anna and Ms. Thing both love the king, right? Well, on Springer yesterday, they had "I won't share my husband," and these two women bitch-slapped each other. Crowd went nuts. Loretta, w-why don't you try slapping Diane?
- Loretta Brown: I think I can do that.
- Lois Griffin: Wait a minute. Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rodgers and Hammerstein, not trash TV.
- Diane Simmons: I think Peter may be onto something. Springer is one of our station's highest-rated shows.
- Lois Griffin: I don't know.
- Peter Griffin: I thought you wanted to do a good show. Well, if you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do "Rent"?
- Lois Griffin: [reluctantly] I guess we can try the...
- Loretta Brown: [slapping Diane] Action!
- Lois Griffin: What's going on?
- Peter Griffin: Oh, we're just having a little powwow to discuss my latest changes.
- Lois Griffin: *What* changes?
- Peter Griffin: The Siamese children. How about this? They're not children.
- [spookily]
- Peter Griffin: They're ALIENS!
- Glenn Quagmire: Ha! Hey, that's great, Peter.
- Joe Swanson: Right on the money.
- Diane Simmons: Isn't he brilliant?
- Lois Griffin: No! He's not brilliant! Rodgers and Hammerstein were brilliant, and I want to do the show *they* wrote. We're not making any more changes!
- Meg Griffin: [running in with Chris] We sold out!
- Chris Griffin: Yeah, the whole town's talking about your show, dad.
- Lois Griffin: [cheers from the others] *Your* show? Peter, this is *my* show!
- Peter Griffin: What's the big deal? You wanted to sell out and we did.
- Lois Griffin: I am through selling out. I took this job because I wanted to create something beautiful and you've completely destroyed that. You wanna be the director? Fine. I quit.
- Peter Griffin: Me, direct? I don't know what to say, except... I'm the king of the worl...
- [falling off the stage]
- Peter Griffin: Ow!
- Tom Tucker: It was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond as six members of the Pawtucket Fire Department struggled valiantly to save the life of a fish trapped under the frozen ice. Rescue workers managed to get the fish out of the water, but unfortunately it died shortly after.
- Joe Swanson: We can't do 'The King and I' without Anna.
- Glenn Quagmire: Yeah, it's a real snafu.
- Peter Griffin: We don't need Diane Simmons. We've had someone better all along. Someone radiant and sassy, with the soul and the passion that can only come from hundreds of years of black oppression.
- Loretta Brown: Aah, thank you, Peter.
- Peter Griffin: Get over yourself, I was talking about me.
- Peter Griffin: Well, well, look who came crawlin' back.
- Joe Swanson: Peter, have you seen my wheelchair?
- Peter Griffin: Stop! All wrong, all wrong! God, send me dancers.
- Diane Simmons: We've been rehearsing for hours. I'm exhausted!
- Peter Griffin: Well, I'm sorry, but we open the show in three hours and I don't think we're ready!
- Diane Simmons: Of course we're not. You keep changing everything!
- Peter Griffin: You bet I do, because theater is alive. It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs. And you're not man enough to satisfy her.
- Lois Griffin: This is the kind of mind-numbing schlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland.