Family Guy (TV Series)
Screwed the Pooch (2001)
Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Carter Pewterschmidt, Jesus Christ, Country Club Waiter, Hindu God, Charles Epstein, Roach #1
Photos
Quotes
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Brian Griffin : I rented those for Peter. He got banned from the video store for taping over their movies.
Charles Foster Kane : [on TV screen] Rosebud.
Peter Griffin : [video cuts to Peter] It's his sled. It was his sled from when he was a kid. There I just saved you two long boobless hours
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Peter Griffin : You know... I always thought that dogs, uh, laid eggs. And today, I learned something.
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Peter Griffin : Brian should be allowed to see his puppies.
Carter Pewterschmidt : Peter, think about what you are doing.
Peter Griffin : I am. Your honor, Brian will be a great dad. Hell, if I were half the parent Brian is, I'd know that Chris' favorite ice cream is...
Brian Griffin : Chocolate Chip.
Peter Griffin : And Stewie's favorite bedtime story is...
Brian Griffin : Good Night Moon.
Peter Griffin : And Meg's real father's name is...
Brian Griffin : Stan Thompson.
[Meg doesn't hear this because she's listening to a personal stereo]
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Peter Griffin : Crap, there's a toll booth. Anybody got a quarter?
Bill Gates : What's a quarter?
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Lois Griffin : Daddy, Peter's been trying really hard to get you to like him. Couldn't you give him another chance? Let him join your poker game tomorrow night?
Carter Pewterschmidt : Sorry, honey, I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Nathan Lane, Gilbert Gottfried, Carrot Top... uhh, Sean Hayes, oh, you get the picture.
Lois Griffin : Please?
Carter Pewterschmidt : No!
Lois Griffin : OK. You know, maybe later I'll take Mom by the shoeshine place and introduce her to that nice mulatto boy who looks an awful lot like...
Carter Pewterschmidt : Say, would, uh, Peter like to play poker with us?
Lois Griffin : He'd love to, Daddy.
Carter Pewterschmidt : That sounds dynamite.
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Country Club Member : [at a wine tasting session] Carter, did you tell your son-in-law he's not supposed to swallow the wine?
Peter Griffin : [very drunk and stark naked] Hey, where the hell is that Peter Griffin? He said he'd give me a hundred dollars if I took off all my clothes off!
[Carter Pewterschmidt groans angrily]
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Peter Griffin : Lois is making me visit the in-laws this weekend. I don't know why she even bothers. Me and Lois' old man have never gotten along.
[cut to flashback]
Peter Griffin : Hey, I got an e-mail from Mr. Pewterschmidt!
[Peter clicks the mouse; a fist flies out of the monitor and punches Peter in the face]
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Barbara Pewterschmidt : Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie Griffin : I smell death on you!
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Brian Griffin : [Seabreeze is about to give birth to puppies] You're almost there, Seabreeze. Oh, and also, uh, I didn't bring this up before but, uh, promise me you won't eat any of them.
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Carter Pewterschmidt : You idiot! I'm never taking you to my country club again!
Peter Griffin : Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Pewterschmidt...
Carter Pewterschmidt : [to Lois] Your husband is a moron! He walks up to the Premier of China and says "Dong, where is my automobile?"
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Carter Pewterschmidt : [introducing Peter to his friend Bill Gates] Bill, Peter's an antitrust lawyer with the Justice Department.
[Gates punches Peter to the floor]
Carter Pewterschmidt : Ah, just kidding! He's a fisherman or some stupid thing.
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Lois Griffin : Brian, why don't you come up to my parents' house with us? The fresh air'll help you relax.
Stewie Griffin : Mm, I know where I go when I want to relax.
[cutaway to Stewie in a gay disco full of muscular men dancing shirtless]
Stewie Griffin : [shouting over the music] I know the guy that owns this place!
Man : What?
Stewie Griffin : I said, I know the guy that... oh, I'll you later, I love this song!
[Stewie grooves to the music]
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Brian Griffin : [meeting Lois in a park] Were you followed?
Lois Griffin : [wearing a hat, coat and dark glasses] Don't worry, I've got a decoy.
[cutaway to Chris dressed as Lois, pushing Stewie in a stroller]
Quagmire : Hey, Lois. Hubba-hubba... Whoa! Lois, you put on a few, huh?
Chris Griffin : Well, I never!
[he slaps him and walks on]
Stewie Griffin : That's all right, honey, I don't think he was the one anyway. Now, let's go get sundaes.
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Carter Pewterschmidt : Hello, everyone.
Lois Griffin : Hi, Daddy.
Peter Griffin : Bonjour, Monsieur Pewterschmidt.
Carter Pewterschmidt : Did Peter have a stroke?
Lois Griffin : No, Daddy, Peter's cultured himself, like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
Carter Pewterschmidt : Oh, so I should treat him like a high-class whore?
[he lights a cigarette and stubs it out on Peter's chest]
Peter Griffin : That's fine, just no kissing on the lips.
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Lois Griffin : [after Brian takes off after Sea Breeze during a dog race] What's Brian doing?
Meg Griffin : Oh, my God!
Carter Pewterschmidt : He's violating Sea Breeze!
Peter Griffin : No, no. He's just awkwardly positioning himself... *now* he's violating Sea Breeze.
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Joe Swanson : You should find some common ground with your father-in-law, Peter. Figure out what he likes and study up on it.
Peter Griffin : Hey, that's a great idea. I'll learn how to act like a rich guy. In fact, I'm going to start right now.
[turns to Bob Cratchit from A Christmas Carol working at his desk in the corner]
Peter Griffin : Cratchit! You're working through Christmas!
Bob Cratchit : But sir, what of Tiny Tim?
Peter Griffin : Bah! He and his ukulele shall go wanting.
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Brian Griffin : [whistles] Here, girl.
[Brian throws a dog biscuit, then sniffs the dog's butt. Then he looked at people surprised and cross]
Brian Griffin : Sorry. I... I thought I smelled... cookies.
