Family Guy (TV Series)

Ready, Willing and Disabled (2001)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Dr. Elmer Hartman, Announcer, Phineas, Angel, Referee

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : Say, what happened to the car wash thief?

  Joe Swanson : Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him.

  Peter Griffin : Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh?

  Joe Swanson : Nope, he's dead.

• Peter Griffin : [enters Tom Tucker's room in a wheelchair with his head bandaged]  Mr. Tucker, I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a made for TV movie about me starring Vallerie Bert-n-Eernie. And the first story you're going to run: exclusive footage of my tragic accident.

  [puts the tape into the VCR] 

  Peter Griffin : [on the video]  Ah! Oh no! There's a car coming too fast to stop in time. Aiyeeeeee!

  [cuts to a scarecrow wearing Peter's clothes, which gets hit by a speeding car. Cuts to Peter laying on the ground] 

  Peter Griffin : [on the video]  Waah! I'm handicapped now!

  Peter Griffin : There you have it.

  Tom Tucker : Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe you. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. And when I freeze-frame

  [rewinds the tape on the VCR, then pauses] 

  Tom Tucker : that's *you* driving the car.

  Peter Griffin : Well, there's your hook.

  Tom Tucker : Get out.

• [a slick-looking man drives up to Joe and jumps out of his car] 

  Slick Guy : Jim Caplin: Sports Agent. You like this car?

  Joe Swanson : Yeah.

  Slick Guy : [hands over the keys]  It's yours. You like these pants?

  Joe Swanson : Yeah.

  Slick Guy : [removes pants and hands them over]  They're yours. You know what a merkin is?

  Joe Swanson : No.

  Slick Guy : [holds his underwear open]  Pubic wig. I got one, you want it?

  Joe Swanson : No!

  Slick Guy : Of course not, you're a classy guy. You want to be rich?

  Joe Swanson : Yeah.

  Slick Guy : [takes out a contract]  Sign here.

• Peter Griffin : Tom Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson, and I demand commercial endorsements, and a TV movie based on me staring Valerie BertandErnie.

• Stewie Griffin : Knuckles, get the handbag!

• Stewie Griffin : [Meg reaches into the back of Stewi's overalls to pull out the money clip]  What the ...? Oh, very clever. Take another reach. You forgot your change.