Family Guy (TV Series)

PTV (2005)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Osama Bin Laden, Wile E. Coyote, George W. Bush, Jake Ryan, Robot, Archie Bunker, Klansman, John Walton, Ozzy Osbourne, Driver #2, Man Freeing Slave, Congressman #3

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : Oh Lois you are so full of

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : . What? Now I can't say

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : in my own

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : house?

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : Great Lois, just

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : great. You know you're lucky you're good at

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : my

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about when

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : you lubed up

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : toothpaste in my

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : while you

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : on a cherry

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : Episcopalian

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : extension cord

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : wetness

  [air horn] 

  Peter Griffin : with a parking ticket? That is the best.

• Peter Griffin : Hey Stewie.

  [looking down, seeing Homer Simpson after Stewie ran over him] 

  Peter Griffin : Who the hell is that?

• [the FCC is censoring everyday life] 

  FCC officer : [covering Peter's groin with a black bar]  His chin looks like balls. You want me to cover that, too?

• Stewie Griffin : Good Day to you sir. And now prepare to die.

• FCC officer : [at a urinal]  Two shakes, that's it. Move along.

  Adam West : Thank you, tinkle fairy.

• Glen Quagmire : [sitting naked in what looks like a bachelor pad]  Welcome to "Midnight Q". Tonight, we're going to enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus, Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book, and then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity-giggity, giggity-goo. Stick around.

• Lois Griffin : The "Side-Boob Hour"? Peter, that's it. I asked you to stop this, and you didn't listen to me. I'm sorry, but you left me no other choice. I called the FCC.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah, I know all about the FCC.

  [music in] 

  Peter Griffin : They will clean up all your talking in a manner such as this.

  Brian Griffin : They will make you take a tinkle when you want to take a piss.

  Stewie Griffin : And they'll make you call fellatio a trouser-friendly kiss.

  Peter Griffin , Stewie Griffin , Brian Griffin : It's the plain situation, there's no negotiation

  Peter Griffin : With the fellas at the freaking FCC.

  Brian Griffin : They're as stuffy as the stuffiest of special interest groups.

  Peter Griffin : Make a joke about your bowels and they order in the troops.

  Stewie Griffin : Any baby with a brain could tell them everybody poops.

  Peter Griffin , Stewie Griffin , Brian Griffin : Take a tip, take a lesson. You'll never win by messing

  Peter Griffin : With the fellas at the freaking FCC. And if you find yourself with some young sexy thing, you're gonna have to do her with your "ding-a-ling", 'cause you can't say "penis". So they sent this little warning, they're prepared to do their worst.

  Brian Griffin : And they stuck it in your mailbox hoping you could be coerced.

  Stewie Griffin : I can think of quite another place they should've stuck it first.

  Peter Griffin , Stewie Griffin , Brian Griffin : They may just be neurotic, or possibly psychotic. They're the fellas at the freaking FCC!

• Peter Griffin : They let Sarah Jessica Parker's face on TV and she looks like a foot.

• Lois Griffin : [after Peter "craps" off of an overpass onto the family automobile]  Stewie may never be able to ride in the car again!

  Stewie Griffin : [cowering in a corner]  Turn off the windshield wipers; they don't work! They're just making it worse!

• [Peter is shown working at an Acme store and Wile E. Coyote is his customer] 

  Wile E. Coyote : Yeah uh, I bought a giant sized sling shot from you, and it just slammed me into a mountain.

  Peter Griffin : Sorry, no returns.

  Wile E. Coyote : I've been a customer here for years!

  Peter Griffin : I can probably give you store credit.

  Wile E. Coyote : But I... really? Well I guess...

  Mrs. Coyote : [walks into the store]  What's the hold up in here?

  Wile E. Coyote : [to his wife]  I'm taking care of it!

• Lois Griffin : Oh, come on. I know what'll make you feel better. How about a little angry sex, huh?

  Peter Griffin : [half-heartedly]  Oh, all right.

  [he rolls on top of her, but before they can do anything, an airhorn sounds] 

  FCC officer : Whoa, whoa, whoa! Those actions are highly inappropriate.

  Lois Griffin : What? Wait a minute, we're not allowed to have sex?

  FCC officer : Oh, you can have sex. Just no moaning, no tongue kissing, no thrusting, no movement whatsoever.

  Lois Griffin : [after a moment of silence]  Well, this isn't very romantic. I mean, how are we supposed to...

  Peter Griffin : [his eyes glazing over]  I'm done. Night, Lois.

  [he falls asleep] 

• Archie Bunker : [He and Edith are both wearing Klan sheets; he sets fire to a cross planted in the ground]  Time for you to move there, uh, Jefferson.

  Edith Bunker : Oh, Archie, I can't see out of my sheet!

  Archie Bunker : Edith, will you stifle yourself? We're supposed to be incognitus.

• [Peter has been dared to poop off the side of a bridge over a freeway; not realizing Lois and Stewie are in a car about to pass under it] 

  Stewie Griffin : I say, are those two pigs vomiting up there?

  [Stewie and Lois scream as the poop lands on their car. They crash off-screen]