Family Guy (TV Series)

Lethal Weapons (2001)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Father Sapienza, Scientist, Drunk Guy, New Yorker in Bar #2, Eskimo

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : I have an idea. An idea so smart, my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

• Peter Griffin : Hey, excuse me, is your refrigerator running, because if it is, it probably runs like you... *very* homosexually.

• Glen Quagmire : Hey honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East side?

  Transvetite : [in deep voice]  Sure.

  Glen Quagmire : WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a sec, pre-op or post-op?

  Transvetite : Pre-op.

  Glen Quagmire : WHOA! Transvestite! Back off!

• Lois Griffin : Oh, the Drunken Clam? Why can't we go some place fancy like the Olive Garden? Oh, the breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks, me likey... you're a big girl now, stop it.

  Peter Griffin : Hold on, Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat and I had sex with your mother last night.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, are you crazy?

  Man : [Drunken Clam guy]  What did you say?

  Peter Griffin : Oh, about the seat or my plowing your father's wife?

  Lois Griffin : [Lois punches him]  What the hell are you doing?

• Stewie Griffin : [imitating Brian]  I'm the dog! I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio! But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door!

  Brian Griffin : [imitating Stewie]  I'm a pompous little Antichrist who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.

• Peter Griffin : Run along Stewie, Daddy had a rough night.

  Stewie Griffin : Why you tottering fen sucked dewberry, I'm going to find something to strike you with, excuse me.

• Glen Quagmire : [standing naked at his window, watching Lois perform jujitsu]  That was strangely arousing.

  [the window slams shut on his penis] 

  Glen Quagmire : OW!

  [tries to get unstuck, then picks up his phone] 

  Glen Quagmire : Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's in a window this time.

• Lois Griffin : You can't hit me! I'm a girl!

  Peter Griffin : Sometimes I wonder.

• Peter Griffin : Brothers and sisters fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

• Tom Tucker : I think I speak for everyone when I say, New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

• [after an aggressive Lois beats her own martial arts teacher] 

  Peter Griffin : Lois, that was amazing! Congratul...

  Lois Griffin : [grabs his crotch]  This is mine! This is where my babies come from!

• [Peter lies in his bed at night when an aggressive Lois comes in] 

  Peter Griffin : Lois, I was watching that. What you looking at?

  Lois Griffin : The underpants, lose 'em!

  Peter Griffin : Actually, I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, maybe tomorrow, or...

  Lois Griffin : Take 'em off!

  Peter Griffin : [with a frightened voice]  Yeah. Okay, honey.

  [the next morning] 

  Brian Griffin : Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened?

  Peter Griffin : Last night, Lois was the man!

  Brian Griffin : Good Lord!

  Peter Griffin : I just want you to know, Brian - I didn't cry.

  Brian Griffin : It's okay.

• Diane Simmons : Good evening. Tonight's top story. Quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers."

  Tom Tucker : They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

• Lois Griffin : [while Chris and Meg are fighting]  If you kids don't quiet down we're not going to McDonalds after church!

  Chris Griffin , Meg Griffin : Mom!

  Peter Griffin : Don't worry, we're goin'.

  [Lois glares at Peter] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh... but you can't supersize!

  Chris Griffin : [groaning]  But, Dad!

  Peter Griffin : Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie!

  Meg Griffin : Oh, come on!

  Peter Griffin : Okay, you get an apple pie, but you don't get to blow on it!

• [Peter goads various people to fight Lois, including Superman characters] 

  Peter Griffin : Jets suck, Yankees suck, Knicks suck... Krypton sucks.

• Lois Griffin : My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it.

  Stewie : I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.

  Brian Griffin : I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.

• Psychologist : Does Stewart have a history of aggression?

  Lois Griffin : No, no, hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, technically the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday Lois!

• [Quagmire is talking to a woman from New York] 

  Glen Quagmire : Hey there little lady. Why don't you turn around and show me your Lower East Side.

  Woman (in deep voice) : Sure.

  Glen Quagmire : Whoa. Transvestite, back off. Wait a minute... pre-op or post-op?

  Woman : Pre-op.

  Glen Quagmire : Whoa. Transvestite, back off.