Family Guy (TV Series)

I Never Met the Dead Man (1999)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Amish Man, Announcer, Bigfoot, Construction Worker, DMV Tester, Doctor, Ensign Ricky, Ernie, Fat Kid, Groundskeeper, Horse, Kirk, Man #3, Manson, Mr. Sun, Old Guy, Ponch, Principal, Scooby-Doo, Sipowitz, Street Punk, Wile E. Coyote, William Shatner, Willy Wonka, Witnesser #1, Witnesser #4, Charles Manson, Sunny

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : What are you talking about? I'm a great driver.

  Brian Griffin : Ha, remember your trip to the southwest?

  Road Runner : [a scene similar to the Road Runner cartoons appears as well as the Road Runner]  Meep, meep!

  Peter Griffin : [Road Runner pulls over in the middle of the road, and is then hit by a car being driven by Peter]  Aw geez, did I just hit that ostrich?

  Wile E. Coyote : [Wile E. Coyote in the passenger seat]  No.

  Peter Griffin : Are you sure?

  Wile E. Coyote : Yeah he's fine, just keep going.

• Lois Griffin : Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.

  Stewie Griffin : Never! Damn the broccoli! Damn you! And damn the Wright Brothers!

• Lois Griffin : You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.

  Peter Griffin : Uh, what could me and you do together?

  [Lois giggles] 

  Peter Griffin : Lois. You've got a sick mind.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I'm talking about making love.

  Peter Griffin : Oh. I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.

• Tom Tucker : Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?

  Diane Simmons : Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people.

  [they laugh] 

  Cameraman : You guys, we're still on in Boston.

  [Tom and Diane stare in horror] 

• [the cable television transmitter was knocked out] 

  Tom Tucker : Diane, that last report was so good, you deserve a spanking.

  Diane Simmons : Oh, Tom... I don't think your wife would like that.

  Tom Tucker : My wife is a bitter old hag, she's in Quahog and cant hear a word we're saying.

  Director : Uh, guys, we're back on in Quahog.

• Peter Griffin : Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?

  [Scooby-Doo theme plays] 

  TV Announcer : We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files.

  Fred Jones : Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river.

  Velma Dinkley : Jinkies! What a mystery!

  Scooby-Doo : [jumps on Shaggy's arms]  Arroo!

  Fred Jones : You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch!

• Lois Griffin : [Stewie is refusing to eat his broccoli]  My, aren't we fussy tonight? Okay, no broccoli.

  Stewie Griffin : Very well, then. Like...

  [Lois forcefully sticks a forkful of broccoli into his mouth] 

  Stewie Griffin : [spitting the broccoli out]  Who the hell do you think you are?

• Peter Griffin : You know those Germans. If you don't join the party, they come get you.

• Lois Griffin : Peter, you're bribing your daughter with a car?

  Peter Griffin : Come on, Lois, isn't "bribe" just another word for "love"?

• Brian Griffin : Hey, barkeep. Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

• Meg Griffin : [failing her driver's test]  Oh, God, my life is over. I am the biggest loser I know!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, I know just how you feel, pumpkin. I've had my share of disappointments, too.

  Doctor : [cut to a hospital room, where Lois gives birth]  It's a girl!

  Peter Griffin : [with various bits of sports equipment]  C-can you... can you check again?

• Stewie Griffin : So, broccoli, Mother says you're very good for me. Well, I'm afraid I'm no good for you! The first rule of war is know thine enemy, and I know this!

  [looking in a Farmer's Almanac] 

  Stewie Griffin : Cold kills broccoli! It's so simple. All I need to do is build a machine to control the global environment. Forecast for tomorrow, a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!

• Peter Griffin : [after knocking out the town's cable]  Oh, boy. Hey, look. There's Bigfoot!

  Bigfoot : Whoa, whoa, whoa. This isn't about me. This is about you.

• Peter Griffin : Come on, everyone. We're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival. You know those Germans. You don't join their party, they come get you.

  Chris Griffin : But, Dad, the TV's back on.

  Peter Griffin : Huh, what do you know? Okay, let's go.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend so much time with the family. But we're exhausted. Maybe we could just sit and watch some TV together?

  Peter Griffin : Why? We're too busy living life to the fullest. Come on, let's go.

  Chris Griffin : I'm sick of life.

  Brian Griffin : [massaging his back paws to soothe the pain]  Yeah, my... my dogs are barking.

  Peter Griffin : But I thought we were having fun.

  Meg Griffin : We were. But now it might be nice to watch other people have fun or get killed. You know, whatever's on.

  Lois Griffin : [indicating "Star Trek" is on]  Look, Peter, it's your favorite show.

  Kirk : All right, men. This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.

  Ension Ricky : [wearing a red shirt]  Aw, crap.

• Lois Griffin : Come on, Stewie. You know you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, then, I shall sit here until one of us expires. And you've got a good 40 years on me, woman!

• Peter Griffin : Now, you always wanna be aware of other cars on the road. And if you ever catch eyes with the guy next to you at a red light, you gotta race him.

  [an Amish man on a horse-drawn cart pulls up next to them and tips his cap] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, this guy's asking for it.

  Meg Griffin : But, Dad...

  Peter Griffin : Ah, I don't make the rules, honey. Now rev your engine twice.

  Meg Griffin : Okay.

  [she does, and the horse neighs twice in response] 

  Peter Griffin : [the light turns green]  Go.

  [she and the cart keep relative pace with each other until the cart loses a wheel and sails off a cliff, where it and the horse explode] 

  Peter Griffin : Well, you forgot to flip him off, but, uh, other than that, nice job.

• Peter Griffin : [defending his driving ability]  I always keep my eyes on the road. I don't miss a thing.

  Announcer : We now return to "Star Trek".

  Peter Griffin : Holy crap, Uhura's black?

• Lois Griffin : What is wrong with you people? O-Okay, yes, my husband is responsible for knocking out TV. But we should be thanking him. He's broken television's hypnotic spell over us. I mean, now we can see the world what it is, a beautiful place full of wonderful things just waiting to be experienced.

  Peter Griffin : Aw, jeez, another chick flick.

• Lois Griffin : Oh, look at Stewie. Isn't he adorable playing with his "Sesame Street" phone?

  Stewie Griffin : Put me through to the Pentagon.

  Ernie : Do you know what sound a cow makes?

  Stewie Griffin : Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda? Well, it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?

  Ernie : Can you count to three?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, indeed, I can.

  [taking out a blaster and shooting the phone] 

  Stewie Griffin : One! Two! Three!

  [laughing scoff] 

  Stewie Griffin : Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.

• Stewie Griffin : Excellent. The weather machine is nearly completed. What do you say to that, broccoli?

  [the floret on his plate just lays there] 

  Stewie Griffin : Stop mocking me!

  [hearing Peter arrive home, dragging a satellite dish behind the car] 

  Stewie Griffin : What's this? It appears the witless provider has finally brought me something of value. I can use that crude device to amplify my deadly signal. Victory shall yet be mine.

• Lois Griffin : Oh, come on, Peter. Don't you miss TV just a little? The familiar stories, the broadly drawn characters, the convenient plot turns that bring a character around at exactly the right moment?

  William Shatner : [coming through the front door]  Hi. I'm William Shatner. My car broke down while I was on my way to give a speech about how TV keeps families together. Say, would you like to hear it?

  Peter Griffin : No, no, no, I gotta run. I don't want to miss the all-you-can-eat schnitzel bar.

  William Shatner : Wait a minute! I love schnitzel.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, well, come on along. I bet you could squeeze into Lois' lederhosen.

  William Shatner : [moving to Lois, his toupee remains hanging in midair]  I'll change in the car.

• Peter Griffin : [in line at the DMV]  Ah, this is taking forever. Come on, Meg, let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00. Fast animals, slow children.

  [cut to a TV tuned to a big cat chasing something] 

  Fat Kid : [hiking]  Come on, guys, wait up.

  [cut to the cat and back] 

  Fat Kid : [spilling the contents of his lunchbox]  Oh, dang. I got honey all over my legs.

  Meg Griffin : Dad, we can't leave now. My entire life depends on getting my license. If I can't drive, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married, and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.

  Peter Griffin : Meg, are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?

• Peter Griffin : Oh, I hate to see you so upset. Hey, I know. Let's play a little game called "Taking the fall for Daddy." If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license.

  Meg Griffin : Really? Oh, Daddy! Now I love you again.

  Peter Griffin : Aw, you're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife.

• Lois Griffin : Brian, I'm a little worried about Peter. Last night, I woke up and he was channel-surfing through static.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, I'm sure he'll find a way to cope.

  Peter Griffin : [coming in with a cardboard TV screen strapped to himself]  Morning, Lois.

  Brian Griffin : Huh. And you were worried.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, what the hell is that?

  Peter Griffin : It's my favorite TV family, the Griffins.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, you're scaring me. I'm beginning to think you're losing your grip on reality.

  Peter Griffin : Boring. I'll go see what else is on.

  Lois Griffin : Peter!

  [to Brian as she follows him out] 

  Lois Griffin : Keep an eye on Stewie.

  Brian Griffin : Don't move.

  Stewie Griffin : [in his high chair, he makes various funny gestures, ultimately falling over]  A little help?

• Peter Griffin : I can't believe I let Meg take the blame. You were right, Lois. TV is evil. You know, I hear that Manson guy watches it in jail all day long.

  Manson : [cut to his prison cell]  If I haven't seen it, it's new to me.

• DMV Tester : All right, let's start by going down Main Street.

  Meg Griffin : Okay.

  [a cop pulls up next to them and tips his cap; remembering what Peter taught her, she revs the engine and races forward at the green light] 

  DMV Tester : [panicked]  What are you doing?

  Meg Griffin : I'm driving. Duh.

  [the cop cuts them off, forcing her to stop] 

  Meg Griffin : Are you gonna mark me down for not flipping him off?

• Meg Griffin : I can't believe you just sold out your own daughter.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, Meg, I know what I did was wrong. And I know this isn't the first time I've embarrassed you.

  [cut to Meg in class at school; he bursts in wearing just a towel] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey, Meg, you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.

• Meg Griffin : Guess what, Mom? Dad crashed the car into the city cable transmitter.

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Meg Griffin : Oh, it's okay. If I take the blame, he's gonna buy me a convertible when I get my license.

  Peter Griffin : Uh, M-Meg, it-it's not exactly taking the blame if you go around telling everyone.

• Chris Griffin : Dad, I was in a chat room on America Online, and Doomie 22 told me some idiot knocked out the cable. We could be without TV for weeks!

  Peter Griffin : Now, now, Chris, let's not panic. We can manage just fine without TV.

  Brian Griffin : [skeptical]  Huh.

  Peter Griffin : Well, what's that supposed to mean?

  Brian Griffin : Face it, Peter, you're addicted to television. And you're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey, either. Remember that time you tried to give up candy?

  Willy Wonka : [cut to his chocolate factory]  I'll ask you one more time. Are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?

  Peter Griffin : [the size and color of a blueberry like Violet Beauregarde]  No.

  Willy Wonka : I'm just asking...

  Peter Griffin : What, are you calling me a liar?

  Willy Wonka : No, I'm just saying...

  Peter Griffin : Hey, shut up, Wonka!

• Meg Griffin : Mom, will you take me out to practice driving?

  Lois Griffin : I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you.

  Peter Griffin : Ah, sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you, but Daddy also loves "Star Trek", and in all fairness, "Star Trek" was here first.

  Kirk : [with exaggerated body movements]  Captain's log, stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead warp 9.

  [his pants rip, revealing "captain's log" on his underwear] 

  Lois Griffin : For God's sake, Peter. You've been sitting in front of the TV since you got home from work. Why don't you spend some time with your family?

  Peter Griffin : I will, I'm just gonna do it during the commercials. And if that's wrong, well, then... then maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials.

• William Shatner : I don't know, Peter. I can't imagine choosing life over television.

  Peter Griffin : I'm telling you, it's great, Bill. And the only thing that would make this perfect day better is if my family was here.

  William Shatner : [storm clouds suddenly appear and it starts raining]  My God! It was sunny a moment ago, but now it's pouring!

  Peter Griffin : Hey, hey, let's take off our shoes and run home barefoot!

  William Shatner : Griffin, you're a madman! Barefoot, you say?

• Meg Griffin : [while learning to drive, she accidentally hits Peter and William Shatner]  Oh, my God. I hit William Shatner.

  William Shatner : Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God.

  [his shirt bursts open and his beer belly spills out] 

  Ension Ricky : Ooh, I did not see that coming.

• Peter Griffin : Guys, your mother was right. It'd be a crime to just sit around and wait for the TV to start working.

  Meg Griffin : Great, you can teach me how to drive.

  Peter Griffin : Meg, there'll be plenty of time to drive when you're dead.