Family Guy (TV Series)

I Never Met the Dead Man (1999)

Seth Green: Chris Griffin, Stage Manager

Photos 

Quotes 

• Tom Tucker : Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane?

  Diane Simmons : Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people.

  [they laugh] 

  Cameraman : You guys, we're still on in Boston.

  [Tom and Diane stare in horror] 

• Chris Griffin : I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my imaginary friend Captain Sprock!

• Peter Griffin : Come on, everyone. We're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival. You know those Germans. You don't join their party, they come get you.

  Chris Griffin : But, Dad, the TV's back on.

  Peter Griffin : Huh, what do you know? Okay, let's go.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend so much time with the family. But we're exhausted. Maybe we could just sit and watch some TV together?

  Peter Griffin : Why? We're too busy living life to the fullest. Come on, let's go.

  Chris Griffin : I'm sick of life.

  Brian Griffin : [massaging his back paws to soothe the pain]  Yeah, my... my dogs are barking.

  Peter Griffin : But I thought we were having fun.

  Meg Griffin : We were. But now it might be nice to watch other people have fun or get killed. You know, whatever's on.

  Lois Griffin : [indicating "Star Trek" is on]  Look, Peter, it's your favorite show.

  Kirk : All right, men. This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.

  Ension Ricky : [wearing a red shirt]  Aw, crap.

• Chris Griffin : Dad, I was in a chat room on America Online, and Doomie 22 told me some idiot knocked out the cable. We could be without TV for weeks!

  Peter Griffin : Now, now, Chris, let's not panic. We can manage just fine without TV.

  Brian Griffin : [skeptical]  Huh.

  Peter Griffin : Well, what's that supposed to mean?

  Brian Griffin : Face it, Peter, you're addicted to television. And you're not exactly Mr. Cold Turkey, either. Remember that time you tried to give up candy?

  Willy Wonka : [cut to his chocolate factory]  I'll ask you one more time. Are you sure you didn't eat anything in my factory?

  Peter Griffin : [the size and color of a blueberry like Violet Beauregarde]  No.

  Willy Wonka : I'm just asking...

  Peter Griffin : What, are you calling me a liar?

  Willy Wonka : No, I'm just saying...

  Peter Griffin : Hey, shut up, Wonka!