Family Guy (TV Series)

I Never Met the Dead Man (1999)

Lacey Chabert: Meg Griffin

Photos 

Quotes 

• Meg Griffin : [failing her driver's test]  Oh, God, my life is over. I am the biggest loser I know!

  Peter Griffin : Oh, I know just how you feel, pumpkin. I've had my share of disappointments, too.

  Doctor : [cut to a hospital room, where Lois gives birth]  It's a girl!

  Peter Griffin : [with various bits of sports equipment]  C-can you... can you check again?

• Peter Griffin : Come on, everyone. We're late for the Bavarian Folk Festival. You know those Germans. You don't join their party, they come get you.

  Chris Griffin : But, Dad, the TV's back on.

  Peter Griffin : Huh, what do you know? Okay, let's go.

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I'm thrilled that you want to spend so much time with the family. But we're exhausted. Maybe we could just sit and watch some TV together?

  Peter Griffin : Why? We're too busy living life to the fullest. Come on, let's go.

  Chris Griffin : I'm sick of life.

  Brian Griffin : [massaging his back paws to soothe the pain]  Yeah, my... my dogs are barking.

  Peter Griffin : But I thought we were having fun.

  Meg Griffin : We were. But now it might be nice to watch other people have fun or get killed. You know, whatever's on.

  Lois Griffin : [indicating "Star Trek" is on]  Look, Peter, it's your favorite show.

  Kirk : All right, men. This is a dangerous mission. And it's likely one of us will be killed. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy, and Ensign Ricky.

  Ension Ricky : [wearing a red shirt]  Aw, crap.

• Peter Griffin : Now, you always wanna be aware of other cars on the road. And if you ever catch eyes with the guy next to you at a red light, you gotta race him.

  [an Amish man on a horse-drawn cart pulls up next to them and tips his cap] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, this guy's asking for it.

  Meg Griffin : But, Dad...

  Peter Griffin : Ah, I don't make the rules, honey. Now rev your engine twice.

  Meg Griffin : Okay.

  [she does, and the horse neighs twice in response] 

  Peter Griffin : [the light turns green]  Go.

  [she and the cart keep relative pace with each other until the cart loses a wheel and sails off a cliff, where it and the horse explode] 

  Peter Griffin : Well, you forgot to flip him off, but, uh, other than that, nice job.

• Peter Griffin : [in line at the DMV]  Ah, this is taking forever. Come on, Meg, let's go. Fox is running one of those new reality shows at 8:00. Fast animals, slow children.

  [cut to a TV tuned to a big cat chasing something] 

  Fat Kid : [hiking]  Come on, guys, wait up.

  [cut to the cat and back] 

  Fat Kid : [spilling the contents of his lunchbox]  Oh, dang. I got honey all over my legs.

  Meg Griffin : Dad, we can't leave now. My entire life depends on getting my license. If I can't drive, I'll never have any boyfriends, I'll never get married, and then I'll have to adopt a kid like Rosie O'Donnell.

  Peter Griffin : Meg, are you implying that Rosie O'Donnell can't drive?

• Peter Griffin : Oh, I hate to see you so upset. Hey, I know. Let's play a little game called "Taking the fall for Daddy." If you win, I'll buy you a convertible when you get your license.

  Meg Griffin : Really? Oh, Daddy! Now I love you again.

  Peter Griffin : Aw, you're gonna make some Jewish guy a great wife.

• DMV Tester : All right, let's start by going down Main Street.

  Meg Griffin : Okay.

  [a cop pulls up next to them and tips his cap; remembering what Peter taught her, she revs the engine and races forward at the green light] 

  DMV Tester : [panicked]  What are you doing?

  Meg Griffin : I'm driving. Duh.

  [the cop cuts them off, forcing her to stop] 

  Meg Griffin : Are you gonna mark me down for not flipping him off?

• Meg Griffin : I can't believe you just sold out your own daughter.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, Meg, I know what I did was wrong. And I know this isn't the first time I've embarrassed you.

  [cut to Meg in class at school; he bursts in wearing just a towel] 

  Peter Griffin : Hey, Meg, you mind cleaning out the shower the next time you shave your legs? It's like a carpet in there.

• Meg Griffin : Guess what, Mom? Dad crashed the car into the city cable transmitter.

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Meg Griffin : Oh, it's okay. If I take the blame, he's gonna buy me a convertible when I get my license.

  Peter Griffin : Uh, M-Meg, it-it's not exactly taking the blame if you go around telling everyone.

• Meg Griffin : Mom, will you take me out to practice driving?

  Lois Griffin : I'm teaching a piano lesson in half an hour. Maybe your father can take you.

  Peter Griffin : Ah, sorry, Meg. Daddy loves you, but Daddy also loves "Star Trek", and in all fairness, "Star Trek" was here first.

  Kirk : [with exaggerated body movements]  Captain's log, stardate 8169.7. The Enterprise has just discovered a strange new planet in the Gamma Faloppia star system. Mr. Sulu, ahead warp 9.

  [his pants rip, revealing "captain's log" on his underwear] 

  Lois Griffin : For God's sake, Peter. You've been sitting in front of the TV since you got home from work. Why don't you spend some time with your family?

  Peter Griffin : I will, I'm just gonna do it during the commercials. And if that's wrong, well, then... then maybe I'm missing the point of having commercials.

• Meg Griffin : [while learning to drive, she accidentally hits Peter and William Shatner]  Oh, my God. I hit William Shatner.

  William Shatner : Light growing dimmer. Can't breathe. Beam me up, God.

  [his shirt bursts open and his beer belly spills out] 

  Ension Ricky : Ooh, I did not see that coming.

• Lois Griffin : [teaching Meg to drive while it's raining]  This is not safe. I'll teach you how to drive some other time. Pull over.

  Meg Griffin : Mom, I can't even tell where "over" is.

• Peter Griffin : Guys, your mother was right. It'd be a crime to just sit around and wait for the TV to start working.

  Meg Griffin : Great, you can teach me how to drive.

  Peter Griffin : Meg, there'll be plenty of time to drive when you're dead.