Family Guy (TV Series)

Fore, Father (2000)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Dr. Elmer Hartman, Announcer, Kevin Swanson, Waiter, Dead Man, Paddy Tanniger, Golfder, Father, Spring Breaker #1, Captain, Man #1

Photos 

Quotes 

• Joe Swanson : Nice going, Peter!

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, up yours, Joe.

  Joe Swanson : What?

  Peter Griffin : Thanks!

• Peter Griffin : [in reference to the fish Joe's son caught that broke the line]  Heh heh! Looks like that's the one that got away!

  Joe Swanson : The hell it is!

  [hands a gun to Kevin] 

  Joe Swanson : You get in there and you kick that fish's ass!

  [pause, softer] 

  Joe Swanson : God, I love him.

• Peter Griffin : Ah, great shot, Cleveland Junior.

  Cleveland Jr. : Thanks Mr Drummond.

  Peter Griffin : Listen, uh, for today, can you call me Mr. Popadopolis?

  Cleveland Jr. : You got it.

  Peter Griffin : And would ya hate me if I called you Webster?

  Cleveland Jr. : That's the line!

• Peter Griffin : [during a camping trip in a beautiful forest]  You know, sometimes I feel like the whole world was made just for me...

  [cut to the moon control room from "The Truman Show"] 

  Control Room Director : You think he's on to us, Christof?

  Christof : No, he's an idiot.

• Peter Griffin : [to Cleveland, Jr]  Uh,

  [close up on the two] 

  Peter Griffin : just once, uh, for me, would, would you call me Mr. Drummond?

• Stripper : How old are you?

  Chris Griffin : Old enough to know you're a whore!

  [the stripper takes Chris by the hand much to his surprise, The camera cuts to Quagmire who is excited watching another stripper dance] 

  Glen Quagmire : Whoa! Whoa ho-ho! Whoa ho-ho-ho ho-ho!

  [Throws money around] 

  Stripper : [Bent over]  Come on, talk to me, sweetie.

  [slaps her bottom] 

  Stripper : You look a little down.

  Chris Griffin : I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad. He doesn't have time for me.

  Stripper : Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect

  [takes off her top and spins it around] 

  Stripper : Your dad deserves another chance.

  Chris Griffin : Wow! You are smart.

• Glen Quagmire , Stripper : All right.

  [realising all of his money is gone] 

  Glen Quagmire , Stripper : Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm outta cash! You take bank cards?

  Stripper : Sure.

  [Quagmire takes a card out and swipes it down the crack of her buttocks] 

  Glen Quagmire : Do you take stamps too?

  [Stripper slaps him] 

• Peter Griffin : Wow, I'm even better than that dad from Lost In Space.

  [flashback] 

  John Robinson : We need to chart this planet. Greg, you take my 16 year old blonde daughter out in the chariot for the rest of the day. Penny, you stay with me. And Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing, boy-hungry peadophile with you.

• Peter Griffin : I haven't cleaned since Bounty dropped me as their spokesman.

  [flashback] 

  Peter Griffin : So Rosie, I just spilled this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?

  Spokesperson : What the hell is that?

  Peter Griffin : Five seconds...

  Spokesperson : Is that?

  Peter Griffin : Four seconds...

  Spokesperson : It smells like...

  Peter Griffin : Three seconds...

  Spokesperon : That's...

  Peter Griffin : CLEAN MY PEE.

• Stewie Griffin : [Stewie is about to be given an injection against his will, so he grabs something from the equipment trolley and threatens the nurse]  Come any closer and I'll cut her!

  [realizes he's holding a tongue depresser] 

• [during a fishing trip] 

  Peter Griffin : Man, some trip this turned out to be. All we caught is a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of clichÈs.

• Lois Griffin : I'm sorry that Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's.

  Brian Griffin : 'Mr. T' by Mr. T. 'T and Me' by George Peppard. 'For The Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T' by Ving Rhames.

  [shudders] 

• Peter Griffin : Lois told me to clean the windows, wash the siding, and clean the gutters. To most normal guys, that's three jobs. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, that's one job.

  Cleveland : You're not working hard, Peter. You're working smart.

• UPS Woman : I've got a package for Glen Quagmire.

  Quagmire : I'll be right back

  [Closes door, then returns a moment later, naked] 

  Quagmire : And I've got a package for you too! Oh!

  [she maces him] 

  Quagmire : Nice try, but I've built up an immunity.

• Stewie Griffin : If you're looking for you Dostoevsky, I used it to build the fort from F Troop.

• Joe Swanson : Peter, this is none of my business, but you're turning your boy into a slacker.

  Peter Griffin : How dare you call my parenting into question. If you were a woman, I'd slug you.

• Peter Griffin : They call this the magic hour. The day's not quite gone, but the night's not quite here. And somewhere, Scott Baio is plowing a woman he doesn't love.

• Peter Griffin : Waiter, there's a dead guy in my soup.

• Stewie Griffin : What the devil are you talking about? You said the shots were supposed to make me healthy.

  Brian Griffin : Ha ha. You actually believe that Lois had them inject you with something to make you healthy? I mean, you were already healthy, right?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh gawd, you're right. I was pink as a pistol. Pink as a pistol? Good lord! I can't even form a cogent simile anymore.

• Crystal Quagmire : [Flashback, Baby Quagmire is crying]  Here now, have milk.

  [shows Quagmire her breasts] 

  Glen Quagmire : All right!

  [starts sucking on her breast]