Family Guy (TV Series)

Fifteen Minutes of Shame (2000)

Will Ferrell: Fat Greek Guy, Miles 'Chatterbox' Musket

Quotes 

• Mayor Adam West : It was 360 years ago that Quahog founder Miles "Chatterbox" Musket set sail for the new colony of Rhode Island.

  Miles Musket : You know what I'm gonna do when we get to shore? First, I'm gonna have a snack. No, no, no. Shower first, snack second. I hope I see Indians! Think they'll have American cheese?

  Mayor Adam West : Ever the free thinker, Miles was thrown overboard for speaking his mind. He was as good as dead. But, as legend has it, he was saved by a magic clam, who brought him to shore and shared the vision of a new colony, which would be called Quahog.

  Clam : There are fields for tilling, woods for timber, and always the bounty of the sea.

  Miles Musket : Look at all this sand! Do you know there are beaches with black sand? Did I not pack my towel?

  Clam : Are you listening? I'm trying to help.

  Mayor Adam West : And help he did. Thanks to the clam's leadership, Quahog became a great and prosperous settlement. But relations between Miles and the clam soon soured.

  Miles Musket : [Miles and the clam are sitting at a table]  I know he's an Indian, but what kind of a name is Squanto? Leslie or something like that would be nice.

  Clam : Shut up! Just shut up! God! Keep it to yourself once in a while! Oh! Here, look what I'm doing. All right? Look, watch this.

  [closes clam] 

  Clam : Huh? Look.

  [closes clam again] 

  Clam : See that, see that?

  [repeatedly opens and closes clam] 

  Clam : Now try it with me. Huh? OK? OK?

  Mayor Adam West : Things only got worse. Before long, Miles began to contemplate killing the clam.

  [Miles is shown holding a musket while the clam sleeps in bed] 

  Clam : [the clam confronts Miles the next morning; behind the clam are luggage cases]  I was awake last night, Miles. I saw you. I think it's time for me to go.

  [the clam tugs at the luggage but it won't budge] 

  Clam : I'll send for my things.

  [as the clam leaves, Miles chases after it before it gets to the shore and disappears] 

  Miles Musket : Wait! Don't go! I'm sorry!

  [Miles mournfully wails] 

  Mayor Adam West : Miles never spoke again. But every year until his death - from a combination of tuberculosis and a tomahawk to the head - he went to the shore on this day in hopes that the magic clam would return.