Family Guy (TV Series)
Death Has a Shadow (1999)
Lacey Chabert: Meg Griffin, Jan Brady
Quotes
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Lois Griffin : You see, Peter? A hangover is simply nature's way of saying that I was right. I mean, really, Pe...
[She falls over]
Meg Griffin : Mom, are you all right?
Lois Griffin : My goodness. This chair leg was loose. Isn't that silly? I could've broken my neck.
Stewie Griffin : Damn.
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Meg Griffin : Mom, can I turn the heat up?
Lois Griffin : Don't touch the thermostat, Meg. Your father gets upset.
Meg Griffin : Come on. This thing goes up to 90.
Peter Griffin : Who touched the thermostat?
Meg Griffin : God, how does he always know?
Peter Griffin : Brain implant, Meg. Every father's got one. Tells you when the kids are messin' with the dial.
Father 1 : Hey, Peter, my thing went off! Your thermostat okay?
Peter Griffin : Yeah, it's all right.
Father 2 : Hey, is my kid over here?
Father 1 : Forget it! False alarm!
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Jan Brady : Mom, Dad, I found cigarettes in Greg's jacket.
Mike Brady : Greg were you smoking cigarettes?
Greg Brady : No dad.
Mike Brady : Well he's lying. There's no doubt about that. Greg I'm afraid your punishment will be 4 hours in the snake pit. Maybe that will give you some time to think about what you have done.
Jan Brady : That will teach him.
Mike Brady : And Jan I'm afraid you have earned a day in the chamber of fire for tattling on your brother.
Lois Griffin : Uch, smoking! How does a boy like that turn out so wrong.
Peter Griffin : Well, they live in a crummy neighborhood.
Brian Griffin : The Bradys?
Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah, they got robbers, thugs, drug dealers, aw, you name it.
Black Woman : [appearing at the window with a plate full of pancakes] You folks want some pancakes?
Peter Griffin : No, thank you.
[to his family]
Peter Griffin : See, that's the worst we got is Jemima's Witnesses.
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Judge : Mr. Griffin, your words touch us. I'm sentencing you to 24 months in prison.
Lois Griffin : Oh no!
Brian Griffin : Oh no!
Meg Griffin : Oh no!
Chris Griffin : Oh no!
Kool-Aid Guy : Oh Yeah!
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[last lines]
Meg Griffin : I sure am gonna miss being rich.
Peter Griffin : Oh, don't worry. I found another way to make money.
Brian Griffin : Not another welfare scam.
Peter Griffin : Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
[puts on an afro wig]
Peter Griffin : Minority scholarship.
[laughs, and then winks and gives a thumbs up to the camera as the executive producer credits roll as if the show is over]
Lois Griffin : No. No.
Stewie Griffin : Are you insane?
Peter Griffin : Okay, okay, uh...
[puts on a blonde wig and rips open his shirt]
Peter Griffin : I mean, "sexual harassment suit"!
[laughs]
Lois Griffin : I don't think so.
Stewie Griffin : Absolutely outrageous!
Peter Griffin : Um, uh, uh...
[takes out a baseball bat]
Peter Griffin : Disability claim!
[he knocks himself out with the bat, and the episode cuts to black]
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Peter Griffin : Now, look, kids, there's still gonna be food on this table, just not as much, so it won't seem competitive.
Meg Griffin : Who cares about food? Now, I'll never be able to afford my lip injections!
[sobs]
Brian Griffin : Hey, uh, Peter, can we put her out in the yard for a while?
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Meg Griffin : Oh... My collagen is wearing thin.
Lois Griffin : Well, Meg, sagging lips are simply nature's way of saying you shouldn't have covered for your father's lie.
Chris Griffin : What does it mean when your armpits cry stinky tears?
Lois Griffin : Oh, it means you're becoming a man. But hopefully, not the kind of man who stays out all night and doesn't call. Like your father, who shall remain nameless.