- Louis Stevens: Dad, it's not what you think!
- Steve Stevens: Did you just dig a giant hole through our basement wall?
- Louis Stevens: Well, yeah... may-maybe that part's what you think. But, hey! You don't know the part about the treasure.
- Steve Stevens: Treasure?
- Louis Stevens: Yeah!
- Steve Stevens: This is just another one of your crazy, half-baked schemes.
- Louis Stevens: No, no, no. No, it's not half-baked. It's fully-baked! I did research!
- Mail Officer: Sorry, sir, our return policy is very specific.
- Steve Stevens: What is it?
- Mail Officer: No returns.
- Tom Gribalski: You really did your homework on this one... Sacramento Kid!
- Louis Stevens: Yeah, Tom, we're not doing nicknames right now.
- Steve Stevens: Is anyone listening here? We have a problem! Does this kid expect us to support him every time he comes up with a new scheme?
- Donnie Stevens: Dad... You don't have to believe in what Louis is doing. You just have to believe in Louis.
- Donnie Stevens: You don't have to believe in what Louis is doing. Just believe in Louis. You don't have to believe in what Louis...
- Steve Stevens: I heard you the first time. Finish your eggs.
- Louis Stevens: I had the Sausage in my hand, but I lost it!
- Steve Stevens: Don't worry about it, son.
- [Louis knocks his hands angrily at the table]
- Steve Stevens: Hey! We got something better than that.
- Louis Stevens: What's that?
- Steve Stevens: I don't know. I was gonna make a joke, but not enough time has passed. Come on. I'll make you an omelette.
- Louis Stevens: Do you know what's better than omelettes?
- Steve Stevens: What?
- Louis Stevens: Golden sausages.
- [first lines]
- [the doorbell rings as Steve answers the door]
- Mail Officer: Delivery for Louis Stevens.
- Steve Stevens: [sarcastically; as he signs for Louis' delivery] Oh, boy. What now? What is it?
- Mail Officer: [gives Steve the leash to an emu] An emu.
- Steve Stevens: What?
- Steve Stevens: [to the mail officer; as the emu enters the house] Oh... no! Louis ordered an emu? Get outta here!
- Mail Officer: I'm sorry, sir. But our return policy is very specific.
- Steve Stevens: What is it?
- Mail Officer: No returns. Have a nice day.
- Steve Stevens: [to Steve; as she points over his shoulder] You might wanna stop that thing from eating your family.
- [camera cuts to the emu eating the bottom left hand corner of a family portrait hanging on the wall next to the stairs]
- Steve Stevens: [to the emu] Whoa! Stop it! Stop that! Bad bird! Bad bird!
- Steve Stevens: [shouting; to Louis] LOUIS!
- Steve Stevens: Louis, how come you're not at school?
- Louis Stevens: Well, how come you're not at work?
- [brief pause as both men chuckle to themselves]
- [Steve sees Beans standing on a huge mound of dirt in the laundry room and emptying more dirt]
- Steve Stevens: Beans, why are you dumping dirt in my laundry room?
- Beans: Because there's a big scary bird in the backyard!
- [Steve is confronting Louis about the emu in the basement when Eileen peeks in through the basement window]
- Eileen Stevens: Hey, fellas! Fellas. Look what I found!
- [Eileen presents an emu egg to Louis, Steve, Tom and Twitty]
- Steve Stevens: An egg?
- Eileen Stevens: I wonder where it came from.
- [the emu approaches Eileen and she screams]
- Steve Stevens: [nervously] Nice bird.
- [the emu drags her offscreen]
- Steve Stevens: Oh, no! No! I'm coming, honey, don't worry!
- [Steve turns to Louis]
- Steve Stevens: I'll deal with you later.
- [Steve exits the basement]
- [Beans stands on top of a huge mound of dirt and dumps more of it with the baggy pants he's wearing, only to be caught by Steve]
- Steve Stevens: Beans, why are you dumping dirt in my laundry room?
- Beans: Because there's a big scary bird in the backyard!
- [Louis, Twitty and Tom are in the Stevens' basement preparing themselves for a hard day of work finding out what's at the end of a tunnel in the wall]
- Louis Stevens: Gentlemen, we are about to embark on the greatest adventure of our lives. Let's put our helmets.
- [Louis puts on a football helmet with flashlights duct taped to it; Twitty puts on a hard hat with a headlight]
- Louis Stevens: [turns to Tom] Tom, zip up your fly.
- [Tom zips up his pants]
- Louis Stevens: Let's dig some dirt, huh?
- Tom Gribalski: Uh, what're we gonna do with all the dirt from the tunnel?
- Louis Stevens: Don't worry about that. Gotcha covered. Brought in a dirt moving specialist.
- [Louis snaps his fingers and Beans emerges from behind a bookshelf dressed in baggy khaki pants held up by suspenders]
- Beans: Do these pants make my butt look big?
- Louis Stevens: [nonchalantly] Yeah.
- Beans: Good. Let's move some dirt!