- Beans: Jeepers, that's a scary story.
- Louis Stevens: And now, Beans, as always, I gonna have to throw you OUT.
- Tom Gribalski: Let's make this quick, guys. I have to get my eyes examined.
- Louis Stevens: Your eyes examin - Tom, how many fingers am I holding up?
- Tom Gribalski: Two.
- Louis Stevens: That's right, your eyes are fine.
- Principal Conrad Wexler: Today, we're giving people eye exams.
- Donnie Stevens: Oh, could you check mine? Because everytime I look into the sun, I squint.
- Ren Stevens: [watching a horror movie] What? Honey, you're chased by six mutants, and you just decided to take a shower?
- Ren Stevens: [to Louis] This why I hate this holiday! Because it gives jerks like you an excuse to be jerks like you!
- Ren Stevens: And your little penguin get-up... It's not gonna scare anybody.
- Louis Stevens: [Donnie comes in] Oh, really? NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NAH!
- Donnie Stevens: AAAAAAAHHH! PENGUIN!
- [jumps over the stairs handrail and runs off]
- Tom Gribalski: [earlier, after his eye examination] I suddenly got quite the hang of the mood juice. It's an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health.
- Tawny Dean: [after her eye examination] Milk is not stupid, okay? It's an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health.
- Louis Stevens: Where have I heard that before.
- Louis Stevens: Did that eye test mess with your brains? Wait a minute... What happened to you guys in there?
- Tawny Dean, Alan Twitty: [speaking identically] Nothing. We're perfectly fine.
- Donnie Stevens: Sorry we're late.
- Eileen Stevens: It's kind of hard to see when you don't have your eyeballs.
- Tom Gribalski: [earlier, after his eye examination] If something like that went down on our permanent record, it would follow us for the rest of our lives.
- Tawny Dean: [earlier, after her eye examination] Do you realize that if something like that went down on our permanent record, it would follow us for the rest of our lives?
- Alan Twitty: Milk is an excellent source of calcium for overall skeletal health, Louis.
- Louis Stevens: Dude, if you guys start talking about my permanent record, I'm outta here.
- Alan Twitty: Well, it does follow you for the rest of your life.