- Decker: [after the hostage situation is resolved without violence] That gets us home by 6.
- Fran Sinclair: Isn't it wonderful, Earl?
- Earl Sinclair: Well, I don't know how I should feel until TV tells me to.
- Decker: Stay tuned for the movie of the week, based on this incident, but with a much more exciting ending. And nudity.
- Fran Sinclair: [the guys are watching a movie about a killer squash monster] I don't want Baby staying up watching these scary movies, he'll have nightmares.
- Baby Sinclair: I'm not scared of vegetables!
- Baby Sinclair: I want to watch the movie, I'm a bi-i-i-ig boy!
- Fran Sinclair: Of course you are. You want your snuggle bear?
- Baby Sinclair: Yes.
- Baby Sinclair: [alone in the dark] Mr. Squash, is that you? Better come out, or, or I'll bite you. Mr. Squash?
- [sees movement under his bed]
- Baby Sinclair: MAMA!
- Baby Sinclair: Robbie!
- Robbie Sinclair: What?
- Baby Sinclair: Need you now!
- Robbie Sinclair: Charlene's there, need her!
- Baby Sinclair: The monster ate her!
- Robbie Sinclair: Well, then I bet Mr. Monster's tired from all that chewing. Now why don't you both just go to sleep?
- Baby Sinclair: I'M SCAAAAARRRREEEED!
- Robbie Sinclair: [sighs] Charlene, can you please deal with this?
- Baby Sinclair: I don't think so!
- Fran Sinclair: [after 2 weeks with no sleep] This monster under the bed thing isn't going away. If we're ever going to get any sleep, we have to take bold, decisive, action.
- [cuts to]
- Fran Sinclair: We're going to a motel.
- Earl Sinclair: Far away.
- Fran Sinclair: We have to get one good night's sleep and then we'll be back.
- Earl Sinclair: Maybe
- Charlene Sinclair: Oh, the number's on the fridge?
- Fran Sinclair: No!
- Charlene Sinclair, Robbie Sinclair: Oh.
- Police Chief Parish: Monster under the bed. We get them all the time, ma'am.
- Earl Sinclair: Really? What kind of a monster is it?
- Police Chief Parish: Well.
- Decker: From the physical evidence, I'd say the subject is a male, webbed claws, about 300 pounds, lots of spooky, little, googly eyes all over its head.
- Fran Sinclair: Oh!
- Decker: I'm just guessing on the eye thing.
- Police Chief Parish: Now try and stay calm, Mrs. Sinclair. This situation is under control. Your children are in the competent hands of trained law enforcement professionals.
- Monster: Ah, you want to negotiate?
- Robbie Sinclair, Charlene Sinclair, Baby Sinclair: Yeah.
- Monster: Fine, I'll negotiate. I'll negotiate after I eat you!
- [all crying]
- Monster: Mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
- Robbie Sinclair: Well, at least we have a dialogue going. Ha.
- Additional Dinosaur Performer: Hey, everybody! We're gonna be on TV!
- Police Chief Parish: Oh, goody!
- [the police officers cheer and leave]
- Fran Sinclair: Are you all right, sweetheart?
- Baby Sinclair: No, I broke my monster bat.
- Fran Sinclair: Aww.
- Baby Sinclair: I'm scared again. Don't leave me.
- Fran Sinclair: Don't worry, sweetheart. I'm not going anywhere.
- Charlene Sinclair: I think you're just trying to get attention.
- Baby Sinclair: No, no, no, no! Please?
- Charlene Sinclair: Okay, I'll check.
- Baby Sinclair: Oh, good. Be careful!
- Charlene Sinclair: Are you under here, Mr. Monster?
- [scared moaning]
- Charlene Sinclair: No? No monsters here.
- Baby Sinclair: [both yelling] Charlene!
- [a monster sucks Charlene in the hole]
- Baby Sinclair: Charlene! No! ROBBIE!
- Police Chief Parish: Everyone ready?
- Decker: Yep.
- Police Chief Parish: Count of three. One...
- Robbie Sinclair, Charlene Sinclair, Baby Sinclair: No, no!
- Police Chief Parish: ...two...
- Howard Handupme: And we'll be right back after a few words from the makers of Happy Fluff candy.
- Police Chief Parish: [angrily] Now release those kids, dirtbag! Or we'll turn you off like a light switch!
- Monster: If I go, they go with me!
- Police Chief Parish: You don't have the guts! I dare ya! Go ahead, scaredy-pants, do it! Do it! Do it.
- [the monster roars]
- Police Chief Parish: [Earl groans] He's clearly unstable. We'd better move in.
- [Earl whimpers]
- Earl Sinclair: [guns cocking] Ahh!
- Robbie Sinclair: So, where's Charlene?
- Baby Sinclair: I told you. Monster pulled her under the bed!
- Robbie Sinclair: [groans] Oh, look. I'm gonna show you once and for all that there is no monster under the bed! What?
- [sees a scary hole]
- Robbie Sinclair: Just this big scary hole leading into a cavernous netherworld.
- Baby Sinclair: Charlene's down there. We gotta save her!
- [the monster roars]
- Robbie Sinclair: [cries out] Well, look, uh, just because you saw Charlene get sucked into that hole, don't necessarily mean that she's down there.
- Charlene Sinclair: Robbie! Help! Help me, Robbie! Can you hear me?
- Robbie Sinclair: Bummer.