- Buddy Sorrell: Hey, Rob, you better watch your wife. If she's like my wife, Pickles, she buys all kinds of junk and never uses it.
- Sally Rogers: Oh, I don't know. Last time she came home with a beautiful rocker.
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah. She's been off it ever since.
- Buddy Sorrell: What is it?
- Rob Petrie: It's a hookah. You know, Turkish water pipe.
- Sally Rogers: Oh.
- Buddy Sorrell: Looks like a seltzer bottle with a thyroid condition.
- Rob Petrie: I could... I could kick myself.
- Buddy Sorrell: Don't do it. The guy'll think you're bidding.
- Mr. Holdecker: Mr. Petrie, one does not attack a painting. One approaches it as he would a woman. Is she beautiful? Does she have a heart? Does she have a soul? These are not judgments you make in an instant.
- Buddy Sorrell: Hey, he's right. You could look at my wife for a whole year and not see ONE of those things.
- Mr. Holdecker: [disdainfully] Yes.
- Rob Petrie: All I know is there's an eye there, and where there's an eye there's got to be a face, and if that face is sitting on a rockin' chair sideways, we may have found "Whistler's Father."
- Mr. Holdecker: You see, Wood is a great painter, and Good copies Wood's paintings. Unfortunately, Good is... no good.
- Mr. Holdecker: Artanis is the pseudonym for a very famous actor who paints for a hobby. What he wanted was for his paintings to be regarded and loved for their intrinsic value rather than the fact that he painted them, so he signs some of them backwards.
- Rob Petrie: Honey, it's the same people, it's the same house as "An American Gothic", it's even the same pitchfork.
- Laura Petrie: Yeah, but our people are smiling.
- Rob Petrie: Yeah, well, maybe they had a good crop that year. You know, in the famous one, maybe they could have just found out they had worms in their tomatoes.