- Rob Petrie: I ain't leavin'. I ain't runnin' no more. We ain't leavin' town. I'm gonna face him.
- Laura Petrie: Rob, I DO wish you'd stop saying that.
- Rob Petrie: Well, I AIN'T leavin'.
- Laura Petrie: "Ain't" is what I wish you'd stop saying. Rob, the boy's beginning to pick it up. It sounds bad.
- Rob Petrie: Well, I AREN'T leavin' town.
- Ritchie Petrie: Daddy! You're wearin' a dress!
- Rob Petrie: It ain't what a man wears, boy. It's what's in his heart.
- Ritchie Petrie: Is there a sissy in your heart, Daddy?
- [When it comes to buying guns, Sheriff Rob's a fussy customer]
- Gun Drummer: Try this baby out.
- Rob Petrie: Oh, that's pretty.
- Gun Drummer: It's a beauty.
- Rob Petrie: Looks a little expensive, though.
- Gun Drummer: I can give you a deal on that, though. It's secondhand.
- Rob Petrie: Oh, really?
- Gun Drummer: Used only once to kill a little old lady in Pasadena.
- Sally Rogers: [referring to wanted posters on the sheriff's wall] This one-- that's the only one I want no part of-- Big Bad Brady.
- [Rob drops his chicken tray]
- Buddy Sorrell: How come every time somebody mentions Big Bad Brady, you drop a tray?
- Rob Petrie: I once rode with Brady.
- Sally Rogers: When?
- Rob Petrie: When I was a gunslinger.
- Sally Rogers: You were a gunslinger?
- Rob Petrie: Yep.
- Sally Rogers: You were a gunslinger turned sheriff?
- Rob Petrie: No, my last job was a parson.
- Sally Rogers: You were a gunslinger turned parson?
- Rob Petrie: No, when I quit being a gunslinger, I became a singer.
- Sally Rogers: A slinger turned singer.
- Rob Petrie: I hated all that violence, so I became a singer in a saloon.
- Buddy Sorrell: A singin' parson!
- Rob Petrie: No, parson came later. Folks didn't like my singin', so I became a dancer. Then a rancher.
- Sally Rogers: A slinger-singer turned rancher-dancer.
- Buddy Sorrell: Then you became a sheriff.
- Sally Rogers: Don't forget the parson.
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah.
- Rob Petrie: No, it's easy. Look, I was a slinger turned singer, turned dancer, turned rancher, turned parson, turned sheriff.
- Sally Rogers: Oh. When you became sheriff, you swore you'd get Brady, right?
- Rob Petrie: No, I swore to get Brady when I was a dancer. But, then, what can a dancer do to anybody?
- Sally Rogers: Yeah. So, why'd you swear to get 'im?
- Rob Petrie: 'Cause I wanted to rid the west of everything that's mean and corrupt and ugly.
- Buddy Sorrell: Then you better save one of them bullets for my wife.
- Mel Cooley: [entering the sheriff's office] Grab some sky!
- [Rob tries to grab some rifles]
- Mel Cooley: I wouldn't do that, Sherriff!
- Rob Petrie: I can't. Couldn't find a key, eh? Who are you, and what do you want?
- Buddy Sorrell: That's Killer Cooley.
- Mel Cooley: How could you tell with my hat on?
- Buddy Sorrell: [patting Mel's belly] You forgot to cover the ponderosa.
- Rob Petrie: So you're Killer Cooley, eh?
- Mel Cooley: Right.
- Rob Petrie: Bad Brady's weak brother-in-law.
- Mel Cooley: Yeah, darn it. And I got a message for you from Bad.
- Rob Petrie: That ain't good.
- Mel Cooley: He wants me to tell you two things. First, he's coming to town.
- Rob Petrie: Over my dead body.
- Mel Cooley: That's the second thing.
- Rob Petrie: That don't scare me none. I can still handle these irons...
- [slaps his legs, forgetting that he doesn't have guns]
- Rob Petrie: Oh, boy.
- Buddy Sorrell: Sheriff, you keep forgettin' you ain't got no guns.
- Mel Cooley: A sheriff without guns?
- Rob Petrie: When I quit bein' a gunslinger, I hung up my guns. I ain't wore 'em since.
- Sally Rogers: You gave up gun fighting?
- Rob Petrie: No, I forgot where I hung 'em. I just don't even... Basement, Ritchie's room, I don't know.
- Mel Cooley: Well, you better find 'em, and by tomorrow noon.
- Rob Petrie: Why by high noon?
- Mel Cooley: 'Cause that's when Bad Brady's coming to town for the show.
- Buddy Sorrell: You mean the showdown, stupid.
- Mel Cooley: I mean the show, shorty. He wants to see a stage show.
- Buddy Sorrell: Oh, hey, I play the cello.
- Mel Cooley: Well, you'd better play it good, because if he don't like anybody in the show, he's gonna kill 'em.
- Sally Rogers: Nobody's gonna want to be in the show if they know they're gonna get killed.
- Mel Cooley: That's the sheriff's problem. And if he don't get a good show together, there's only one person gonna get killed, and that's the sheriff.
- Sally Rogers: Are ya scared, Sheriff?
- Rob Petrie: Miss Sally, I don't know the meanin' of the word scared.
- [pause]
- Rob Petrie: Terrified, panic-stricken, I know all those.
- Laura Petrie: [as Sheriff Rob lays shot] Somebody call the doctor.
- Sally Rogers: All right, all right, all right.
- Laura Petrie: Oh, Rob!
- Sally Rogers: [calling outside the saloon doors] Hey, Doc! Doc!
- Buddy Sorrell: We don't have no doctor in this town. All we got's a dentist.
- Sally Rogers: Hey, Dent! Dent!
- Sally Rogers: Here's your favorite, fried chicken.
- Rob Petrie: Oh boy! And hominy grits.
- Sally Rogers: Oh I don't know, about 40 or 50.
- Rob Petrie: [Sheriff Rob breaking up a betting pool in the Saloon] what are they betting on?
- Sally Rogers: You
- Rob Petrie: Me?
- Sally Rogers: Yeah, and your fight with Brady
- Rob Petrie: They betting on me to win?
- Sally Rogers: No, on which way you'll fall. It's 20 to 1 on backwards. You want some of the action?
- Laura Petrie: [Laura throwing herself in front of Sheriff Rob and begging for his life] Listen Bad, if you ever had any feelings for me at all, please spare this man!
- Alan Brady: I never had any feelings for you.
- Laura Petrie: [holding her fingers an inch apart] Not even a little bit?
- Alan Brady: No, not at all, well maybe a sister for a little while, but no more!
- Rob Petrie: Make your move Brady.
- Alan Brady: You make your move.
- Laura Petrie: [Still in front of Rob, fearfully] Shouldn't I make MY move?
- Rob Petrie: Good thinking.
- Laura Petrie: [as she scurries away] Thanks, Rob!
- Laura Petrie: [Sheriff Rob has been shot in the shoulder and Laura is chastising the townsfolk] Well, I hope you're all satisfied! Nobody would face bad Brady but Rob and now he may die! Are you all satisfied?
- Cowboy: Yeah, I enjoyed it.
- Cowboy: I thought it was pretty good.