- Millie Helper: I'll have to call the drug store.
- Laura Petrie: Well, how long will it take?
- Millie Helper: Until I finish dialing.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [cheerfully] Hello, honey. How's my old lady?
- Laura Petrie: [offended] What did you say?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: How's my old lady?
- Laura Petrie: Well, I don't know. I haven't spoken to your mother lately, but I'M fine.
- [Laura, with Millie's help, had dyed her hair blonde and talks to Rob on the phone]
- Laura Petrie: Well, honey, what if I were a blonde? Would I be as attractive to you if I were a blonde?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: No, I can't picture you as a blonde. No, wait a minute! Yes, I can! You know who you'd look like?
- Laura Petrie: Who?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Harpo Marx!
- Laura Petrie: [to Millie] He said I'd look like Harpo Marx!
- [Check herself out in a mirror]
- Laura Petrie: [horrified] And I do!
- Sally Rogers: Don't you know our chief well enough by now? When he's sick, he works harder; when he broods, it's one of two things: one, he had a fight with Laura, or two, Laura had a fight with him.
- Buddy Sorrell: True or false?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: True.
- Buddy Sorrell: Well, what was the beef about?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I don't know. We didn't fight long enough for me to find out.
- Buddy Sorrell: Oh, one of those.
- [mocking voice]
- Buddy Sorrell: "And if you don't know..."
- Buddy Sorrell, Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [in unison] "... I'm certainly not going to tell you!"
- [Laura tries to awaken Rob with a kiss but he brushes her aside]
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [mostly still asleep] Don't do that!
- Laura Petrie: [to herself] "Don't do that?" He used to love me to do that. Hm! My Prince Charming! - promised to slay dragons for me - won't even get up to have breakfast with me on his day off. Well, I guess it's natural for a husband to behave this way after so many years of marriage, but I still feel like eating breakfast with HIM.
- Buddy Sorrell: Hey, whatever happened to all those perspective bridegrooms you used to have hangin' around here?
- Sally Rogers: Oh, they're still around.
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah?
- Sally Rogers: There's Doubting Charlie, there's...
- Buddy Sorrell: Doubting Charlie?
- Sally Rogers: Yeah, he keeps proposing and I keep saying yes but he just won't BELIEVE me.
- Buddy Sorrell: Have you insulted your mother-in-law lately?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: No, I love my mother-in-law. I'd never insult her.
- Buddy Sorrell: That's just it. You're neglecting the old bat. You gotta insult 'em or they think you don't care.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [seeing Ritchie in the closet] What are you doing in there?
- Ritchie Petrie: Playing hat shack.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, well, how's business?
- Ritchie Petrie: Terrible!
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [looking at a glass of orange juice] Honey, there's pits and seeds and orange flesh in this orange juice. You know how meticulous I am about my orange juice.
- Laura Petrie: [seeing Rob wearing a tattered sweater] Not too meticulous about the way you dress, are you? My, don't you look dashing.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, thank you, my dear.
- [Rob's co-writers are trying to figure why Rob is depressed]
- Buddy Sorrell: How about presents?
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Presents?
- Buddy Sorrell: Yeah, like for special occasions.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Oh, like what?
- Buddy Sorrell: Birthday, anniversary...
- Sally Rogers: Uh, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day...
- Buddy Sorrell: Bastille Day, Rosh Hashanah...
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Well, except for Bastille Day and Rosh Hashanah, I think I'm all squared away.
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: [pointing at Laura's half-blonde hair] You're bleaching your hair blonde!
- Millie Helper: We're not bleaching her hair blonde!
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: I suppose it's turning by itself?
- Laura Petrie: [on the verge of tears] We're dying it back to its natural colors.
- Millie Helper: Laura's been a blonde all afternoon.
- Laura Petrie: ALL afternoon!
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Honey, why?
- Laura Petrie: [close to sobbing] Why? Well, yesterday morning, and I kissed you... and you said, "Don't do that!"... And you came down to breakfast in your yucky shirt... And the orange juice and the flesh and the pits and seeds... And the gray hair... And the Harpo Marx... And the general yuckiness...
- [breaks down sobbing as she buries herself in Rob's arms, who hugs back]
- Robert 'Rob' Petrie: Aw, I'm sorry. I understand, honey. I understand.
- Millie Helper: You do?
- [Rob nods]
- Millie Helper: Um... I think I'll come back after dinner and finish the job. Bye!
- Laura Petrie: He doesn't look at me the same way either.
- Millie Helper: Well why should he? He's got you memorized.
- Buddy Sorrell: You had to wake me up! I had a beautiful dream.
- Sally Rogers: Now you can go home and finish it.
- Buddy Sorrell: Not this one. My wife wouldn't let me bring it in the house.