The Dick Van Dyke Show (TV Series)

Go Tell the Birds and the Bees (1965)

Larry Mathews: Ritchie Petrie

Quotes 

• [Ritchie gets a phone call from a girl classmate; Rob and Laura eavesdrop thinking he's now giving out information on human reproduction from home] 

  Ritchie Petrie : Hi, Debbie. Huh? But I told you this morning. Weren't you listenin'? Oh, okay, but it's the last time I'm gonna tell ya. The whole thing takes two or three months. Huh? Yeah, I know Freddie had to wait almost a year, but that's 'cause his family don't eat any cereal.

• Rob Petrie : It's just that, Rich, there's a little confusion about what you're tellin' the kids at school; I'd like to clear it up if I can.

  Ritchie Petrie : Oh, you mean about the babies and all that stuff.

  Laura Petrie : Yeah, that... that's right, dear.

  Ritchie Petrie : But I didn't tell 'em what you told me not to tell.

  Rob Petrie : Well, who told you what to tell 'em?

  Ritchie Petrie : Nobody. I made it up.

  Laura Petrie : You made it up?

  Ritchie Petrie : Yeah. Grampa's story about Mr. Cabbage was silly.

  Rob Petrie : Well, right, right.

  Ritchie Petrie : And your story about the eggs and everything made a lot of sense.

  Rob Petrie : Of course it did.

  Ritchie Petrie : But you said I shouldn't tell that story to anybody.

  Rob Petrie : Right again.

  Ritchie Petrie : So I had to make one up.

  Laura Petrie : Well, why, Rich? Why did you have to make up ANY story?

  Ritchie Petrie : Because the kids like me to tell stories - and I'm good at it, like Daddy.

  Rob Petrie : How do you like THAT?

• Ritchie Petrie : What about bears?

  Rob Petrie : What about 'em?

  Ritchie Petrie : Don't they fall in love and get married?

  Rob Petrie : Well... y-yes, in a manner of speaking, they do, Rich.

  Ritchie Petrie : How about a fox and a rabbit?

  Rob Petrie : A fox and a rabbit. No. Uh, R... they can't, Rich. They can't. Certain, um... Rich, there're just certain animals that-that don't get along together. You see, it wouldn't... it wouldn't make sense for them to get married, see?

  Ritchie Petrie : How about Millie and Jerry? The got married.

  Rob Petrie : Well... that's a little different, uh, Rich. M-Millie and Jerry love each other, really. It's just they like to... to show it at the top of their lungs, that's all.