- Himself - Host: Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but common sense in this country is not only dead, it's been cremated, and Woody Harrelson is smoking its ashes in his lucky skull bong.
- Himself - Host: You can't go into the office without running into one idiot who's trying to spawn upstream onto the elevator while everyone else is trying to get off. You can't get into your car without running into another idiot who pulls into the gas station with the fuel door on the wrong side of the car, then has to get instruction from a NASA space team to figure out to maneuver so the door is on the correct side. And you can't open a newspaper without reading about a mondo-idiot who gets hurt or killed at a railroad crossing because they had to try to beat the train to get home in time to watch Charlene Tilton's Salute to Porcelin Clowns on QVC! What the fuck has happened to us?
- Himself - Host: What is common sense? It's what is slapped in the back of your head by your mother when you try to touch the hot stove. It's the Oldsmobile crest permanently branded into your forehead because you didn't wear your seat belt because you were worried it would wrinkle your new outfit. Common sense is what gores you in the ass when you run with the bulls down a street that's narrower than Strom Thurmond's mind. And finally, common sense is knowing when to hit the "applause" button when you don't have a big closer.