Crossfire (TV Series)

Episode dated 15 October 2004 (2004)

Jon Stewart: Self

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Quotes 

• Jon Stewart : The two of you? Can't we just - say something nice about John Kerry right now.

  Co-Host : I like John. I care about John Kerry.

  Jon Stewart : And something about President Bush.

  Co-Host : He'll be unemployed soon?

• Jon Stewart : Why do you have to argue? The two of you?

  Co-Host : Is John Kerry really the best? Is he really the best the Democrats can do?

  Jon Stewart : Is he the best? I thought Lincoln was good.

  Co-Host : Is he the best?

  Jon Stewart : I had always thought, in a democracy and again, I don't know I've only lived in this country that there's a process. They're called primaries.

  Co-Host : Right.

  Jon Stewart : And they don't always go with the best, but they go with whoever won. So is he the best? According to the process.

  Co-Host : Right. But of the nine guys running, who do you think was best. Do you think he was the best? The most impressive?

  Jon Stewart : I thought Al Sharpton was pretty impressive. I enjoyed his way of speaking. I think, oftentimes, the person that knows they can't win is allowed to speak the most freely, because, otherwise, shows like Crossfire" or "Hardball" or "I'm Going to Kick Your Ass, will Jump on it, it's funny. And I made a special effort to come on the show today, because I have privately, amongst my friends and also in occasional newspapers and television shows, mentioned this show as being bad.

  Co-Host : [Sarcastically]  we haven't noticed.

  Jon Stewart : I felt that it wasn't fair to the both of you and I should come here and tell you that it's not so much that it's bad, it's so bad that it's hurting America.

  Co-Host : But in our defense

  Jon Stewart : Stop, hurting America and come work for us

  Co-Host : How much do you pay?Better than CNN I'm sure

  Co-Host : Not well but you can sleep at night the thing is, we need your help right now, you're helping the politicians and the corporations. And we're left out there to mow their lawns and ours.

  Jon Stewart : By beating up on them? You just said we're too rough on them when they make mistakes.

  Jon Stewart : No, you're not too rough on them. You're part of their "strategies". You are partisan... hacks.

  Co-Host : It's nice to get them to try and answer our questions. And in order to do that, we try and ask them "pointed" questions.

  Co-Host : I want to contrast our questions with some questions you asked John Kerry recently: "is it hard not to take the attacks personally? Have you ever flipped flopped?

  Jon Stewart : If you want to compare your show to a comedy show, you're more than welcome to. If that's your goal.

  Co-Host : No, it's not but here's the point: Kerry won't come on this show. But He'll come on your show

  Jon Stewart : Right.

  Co-Host : Let me suggest why he wants to come on your show.

  Jon Stewart : Well, we have "civilized discourse".

  Co-Host : Well, here's an example of the civilized discourse. Here are three of the questions you asked "How are you holding up? Is it hard not to take the attacks personally?", "Have you ever flip-flopped?" Didn't you feel like you got the chance to interview the guy? Why not ask him a real question, instead of just suck up to him?

• Jon Stewart : Yes. "How are you holding up?" is a real suck-up. It's interesting to hear you talk about my responsibility. I didn't realize that and maybe this explains quite a bit it's interesting that the news organizations look to Comedy Central for their cues on integrity. So what I would suggest is, when "you talk about you're "holding politicians' feet to fire", I think that's disingenuous.

  Co-Host : "How are you holding up?" I mean, come on, you can ask him a real question, don't you think?

  Jon Stewart : But my point is this. If your idea of confronting me is that I don't ask hard-hitting enough news questions, we're in bad shape, fellas.

  Co-Host : We're here to love you, not confront you. We're here to be nice.

  Jon Stewart : What I'm saying is this. I'm not here to confront you, because we need help from the media and they're hurting us

  Co-Host : Let me get this straight: If the indictment is that CROSSFIRE reduces everything, as I said in the intro, "left versus right, black versus white." it's because, see, we're a debate show.We're 30 minutes in a 24-hour day where we have each side on, as best we can get them, and have them fight it out.

  Jon Stewart : No, that would be great. I would love to see a debate show.Now, this show is doing theater when you should be doing debate. It's obvious. How old are you?

  Co-Host : thirty five

  Jon Stewart : And you wear a bow tie?

  Co-Host : Yes. I do.

  Jon Stewart : Now, listen, I'm not suggesting that you're not a smart guy, because those are not easy to tie.

  Co-Host : They're very difficult.

  Jon Stewart : It's not honest. What you do is not honest. What you do is partisan hackery. And I will tell you why I know it is

  Co-Host : You had John Kerry on your show and you sniff his throne and you're accusing us of partisan hackery?

  Jon Stewart : Absolutely.

  Co-Host : You've got to be kidding me.

  Jon Stewart : You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?

  Co-Host : Well, I'm just saying when you have this marvelous opportunity not to be the guy's butt boy, to go ahead and be his butt boy. Come on. It's embarrassing.

  Jon Stewart : I was absolutely his butt boy you would not believe what he ate two weeks ago. The interesting thing I have is, you have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably.

  Co-Host : You need to get a job at a journalism school, I think.

  Jon Stewart : You need to go to one. The thing that I want to say is, when you have people on for just knee-jerk, reactionary talk

  Co-Host : Wait. I thought you were going to be funny. Come on. Be funny.

  Jon Stewart : No. I'm not going to be your monkey.

  Co-Host : Go ahead.

  Jon Stewart : I watch your show every day. And it kills me.

• Jon Stewart : Your show is so painful to watch, because we need what you do. This is such a great opportunity you have here to actually get politicians off of their marketing strategies.

  Co-Host : Is this really Jon Stewart? What is this, anyway?

  Jon Stewart : Yes, it's someone who watches your show and cannot take it anymore.

  Co-Host : What's it like to have dinner with you? It must be excruciating. Do you lecture people like this or do you come over to their house and sit and lecture them; they're not doing the right thing, that they're missing their opportunities, evading their responsibilities?

  Jon Stewart : If I think they are.

  Co-Host : I wouldn't want to eat with you, man. That's horrible

  Jon Stewart : I know. And you won't.

  Co-Host : Which candidate do you suppose would provide you better material if he won?

  Jon Stewart : Mr. T, I think he'd be the funniest

  Co-Host : Don't you have a stake in it that way? Not just as citizen, but as a professional comic.

  Jon Stewart : Right, I hold to be much more important than as a citizen.

  Co-Host : Well, there you go.

  Co-Host : But who would provide you with better material?

  Jon Stewart : I don't really know. That's kind of not how we look at it. We look at the absurdity of the system to see who provides us with the most material. And that is best served by sort of the theater of it all, you know, which, by the way, thank you both because it's been helpful.

  Co-Host : But, if Kerry gets elected, since your voting for him is it going to Will it be harder for you to mock his administration if he becomes president?

  Jon Stewart : The only way it would be harder is if his administration is less absurd than this one. It would be hard to top this group, quite frankly. In terms of absurdity and their world matching up to the one that you and I live in, it was interesting. President Bush was saying, "John Kerry's rhetoric doesn't match his record." But I've heard President Bush describe his record. His record doesn't match his record. So I don't worry about it in that respect, actually doing honest debate and all that. But, after the debates, where do you guys head to right afterwards?

  Co-Host : The men's room.

  Jon Stewart : Right after that?

  Co-Host : Home.

  Jon Stewart : "Spin Alley".

  Co-Host : Home.

  Co-Host : What are you talking about? You mean after these debates?

  Jon Stewart : Yes. You go to "Spin Alley", the place called "Spin Alley". Now, don't you think that, for people watching at home, that's kind of a drag that you're literally walking to a place called Deception Lane? Like, it's spin alley, that's the issue I'm trying to talk to you guys about

  Co-Host : No, I actually have a lot of friends who work for President Bush. I went to college with some of them.

  Co-Host : Neither of us was ever in the spin room, actually.

• Jon Stewart : I think they believe President Bush would do a better job. And I believe the Kerry guys believe President Kerry would do a better job. But what I believe is, they're not making honest arguments. So what they're doing is, in their mind, the ends justify the means.

  Co-Host : No, I did I went to do the Larry King show. They actually believe what they're saying. They want to persuade you. That's what they're trying to do by spinning. But I don't doubt for a minute these people who work for President Bush

  Co-Host : I think you're more fun on your show. Just my opinion

  Jon Stewart : You know what's interesting, though? You're just as big of a dick on your show as you are on any show.

  Jon Stewart : [sarcastically]  that went great.