Cheers (TV Series)
King of the Hill (1985)
Ted Danson: Sam Malone
Photos
Quotes
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[Sam walks into Cheers. Sees a few huge boxes in front of the bar.]
Sam Malone : Ahhh, come on Coach, is this what I think it is?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso : What do you think it is?
Sam Malone : I think it's something totally useless that some salesman talked you into buying.
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso : Boy, you're good at thinking Sam.
Sam Malone : [reads the boxes] Oh. The "Billiard Buddy Pool Table Adapter".
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso : Yeah. But it's not useless Sam. You can make it into a ping-pong table, a knock-hockey table, a salad bar...
Sam Malone : How much?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso : Oh, I don't know. A buck. A buck and a half with croutons.
Sam Malone : No, Coach. I mean how much for the whole thing?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso : Oh, six hundred bucks Sam, but the salesman said, the salesman said satisfaction guaranteed.
Sam Malone : Or...?
Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso : Now, that would have been a good question.
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Ernie 'Coach' Pantusso : Sam, are you really going to play in this charity game?
Sam Malone : Yeah, you know I was out there warming up Coach, and my arm feels pretty good.
Carla Tortelli : Are you kidding me? When a butterfly lands on a ball in mid-flight, it's not cooking.
Sam Malone : All I care about is not embarrassing myself.
Carla Tortelli : Good luck.
Sam Malone : I have a right to be a little bit rusty. The only thing I've thrown in the past ten years is Diane's butt out of here.
Diane Chambers : No Sam, you're thinking of the tantrums you threw when I walked out of here.
Sam Malone : Ah.
Carla Tortelli : [sarcastically] You know, the only thing I enjoy hearing more than you two argue on the subject is hearing Cliff talk about Florida.
Cliff Clavin : Well, as a matter of fact, I was just about to tell Normie here that Florida is a pollution-free state. You know, you know how they treat solid waste?
Carla Tortelli : You said they treated you very well.
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Sam Malone : [to Diane, about playing in a charity baseball game with Playboy Playmates] Why don't you come over here and let me introduce you to the girls. I'd like to show them the charity I was involved with last year.
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Sam Malone : Sam, you are an attractive man, you have many friends, you have a lot going for you, but you have one miserable character flaw.
Sam Malone : Gee, I wonder if I could coax you into telling me what that is.
Diane Chambers : Sam, you and I dated for what seemed an eternity, and I think I know you pretty well. You get into a contest, and you'd rather die than lose. I'm surmising, but I think your fear of losing drove you to drink, and ruined your career.
Sam Malone : I'm going to tell you something, and then I'd appreciate it if you leave. A little competitiveness is a healthy thing!
Diane Chambers : Huh, but you have more than a little competitiveness. Sam, you're very sick.
Sam Malone : I am not!
Diane Chambers : Yes, you are, and I can prove it. Why did you play this game in the first place? To impress a bevy of buxom bunnies, who now will never speak to you again. You wanted to beat them more than you wanted to bed them.
Sam Malone : Oh my god, I am sick.
Diane Chambers : You're not actually sick, you just have a problem.
Sam Malone : No, I know, I know, I know. I've always had it.
Diane Chambers : You mean you approached games in the same way when you were a child?
Sam Malone : Ahhh, especially when I was a child. My parents were kind of tough on me. I could never do anything to please them. I mean if I got a C in school, they'd say "Why didn't you get a B?", if I got a B "Why didn't you get an A?"
Diane Chambers : And if you got an A?
[Sam looks at her questioningly]
Diane Chambers : Sorry.
