- Moss Staples: The most likely explanation is that people are just seeing some blue light bouncing off a strut. But try telling that to these bog-brained murphies. You'd have more chance of getting a blowjob from The Pope!
- Christopher Morris: Your phone calls tonight have been described variously as rabid, pig-ignorant and stultifyingly-ill-informed. Thanks for those.
- Christopher Morris: Should we revive our ailing culture, or should we just put it out of its misery? Or, should we... bring it back to life - and THEN SHOOT IT FOR LETTING US DOWN SO BADLY!
- Newsreader: The broadcaster and entertainer Clive Anderson has been shot dead by television host Noel Edmonds at his house in Cornwall this evening.
- Cardinal Hume: It was bad enough to see him curse like a footballer, but I lost my faith completely when he farted on my balls.
- David Qunt: How would you feel if you had accidentally grassed yourself?
- Mad Frankie Fraser: Well that's me own fault then that'd be wouldn't it?
- David Qunt: So that would make you less mad?
- Mad Frankie Fraser: Yeah but how on earth could you grass yourself?
- David Qunt: I dunno you might have got drunk or something and given yourself away.
- Mad Frankie Fraser: Nah you don't do that, that can't happen, we're too experienced.
- David Qunt: Was there ever a time when you weren't experienced...
- Mad Frankie Fraser: No, never.
- David Qunt: Do you think you were born experienced enough not to grass yourself?
- Mad Frankie Fraser: I think so, yeah.
- Purves Grundy (Blouse lead singer): Every time I see your picture Myra / I have to phone my latest girlfriend and fire her / Find a prostitute that looks like you and hire her / Oh, me oh Myra...
- Austen Tassletine: [after the petrol station goes up in flames] I'm not sure if this is a true disaster, or just a cross between a very unpleasant event and a rather stupid one.
- Ted Maul: The new single by Blouse is a song of love to Myra Hindley. And it's caused more stink than a bomb in one of those holes in a ground at a rock festival that everybody shits in.