- Clayton Runnymede Endicott III: Benson, I've been looking for you. I have a message. Your nephew will be arriving on a later flight, but he said, and I will quote, "No sweat, Harlington is making the grab in the hog limo, and shooting me over pronto".
- Miss Gretchen Wilomena Kraus: What language is that?
- Benson DuBois: Baltimore.
- Benson DuBois: Are you gonna take the basketball with you?
- Tommy: I go everywhere with this basketball. I eat with it. I sleep with it. I do everything with it.
- Benson DuBois: Ah, yes the perfect companion... It's always glad to see you, and it doesn't mind if you dribble.
- Benson DuBois: [Benson is looking at the illiterate note his nephew wrote] You're putting me on, huh.
- Tommy: What do you mean?
- Benson DuBois: This note.
- Tommy: Oh, you mean my handwriting. Pretty bad, isn't it? I always did write like a chicken.
- Benson DuBois: Yeah, and you're beginning to spell like one.
- Benson DuBois: Did you know Tommy is having a problem with reading and writing?
- Mr. Harlington: Well, it can't be that big a problem. After all, he's in college.
- Benson DuBois: True, but he can barely read a simple paragraph from the newspaper.
- Mr. Harlington: So, well, maybe he's a little bit awkward. We can't all be Einsteins.
- Benson DuBois: That's true, but I was hoping for a little more than See Spot run.
- Mr. Harlington: Mr. Dubois, don't you have any confidence in your own nephew?
- Benson DuBois: Of course I have confidence in him. It's just that I don't want to see him give up on the one thing he can count on. His mind.
- Sid, Cable Repairman: [the cable repairman is at Benson's home] Cable is gonna revolutionize the television industry.
- Benson DuBois: Yeah, it's gonna bring back radio.
- Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling: See I always wanted a dog, but my father was allergic, so I had to settle for a pig.
- Benson DuBois: You had a pet pig?
- Governor Eugene Xavier Gatling: Mmm..hmm... Rover
- Benson DuBois: Rover the pig?
- Miss Gretchen Wilomena Kraus: Oh, I love vacations. I remember when I was a little girl, my parents used to take me to the Black Forrest every summer.
- Benson DuBois: Yeah. But, apparently it didn't do any good. You kept finding your way back.
- Clayton Runnymede Endicott III: Now, I got to split. Catch you the rebound.
- Miss Gretchen Wilomena Kraus: What language is that?
- Benson DuBois: Preppy jive.