The Benny Hill Show (TV Series)

Show 28 (1976)

Benny Hill: Self - Host, Various

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nick : Well... you and Martha have been married for fourteen years.

  George : Funny... I don't remember breaking two mirrors.

• Martha : Do you remember our wedding night? You were so eager, you didn't even give me time to take my stockings off.

  George : Tonight, you'll have time to knit yourself a pair.

• Man on T.V. : She's beautiful, and she uses Ponds.

  Martha : I use Ponds.

  George : So does a duck!

• Martha : What would you do if you came home and found a man in bed with me?

  George : I'd hit him over the head... with his white stick!

• George : Why don't you lace up your mouth and rent it out as a football? Men like me don't grow on trees, you know.

  Martha : No, they swing from them!

• Roy Wood : She told me she was just 18/ on the telephone/ I thought she meant 18 years,/ but she meant 18 stone.

• Self - Host : On came the Cabaret/ and I swear to this day/ I've never seen an act that was quite as rude./ On came a girl, quite bare./ She had lovely curly hair./ Apart from a few wild birds, she was in the nude./She had pigeons on her toes,/ a bird of paradise up her nose./ She had a cockatoo, it was bright green./ On her navel, perched a dove,/ and a few inches above/ were the biggest parakeets I've ever seen.

• Self - Host : I went into Sydney Star,/ nipped up to Sue behind the bar,/ said, "the drinks are on me. I'll have 12 pints of the best./ And would you care to join me, Sue?"/ She said, I'll have a mouthful, too."/ I said, "Don't be greedy, you'll get a pint, same as the rest."

• German Professor : If you drive into the west end of London by yourself, be very careful. If you park your car, they will give you a ticket. They should give you a bloody medal!

• German Professor : The British man is very fond of ladies with the two lovely hemispheres... the lovely ladies of the two hemispheres.

• German Professor : He does not want to cockroach upon her privacy. You are not listening! Cockroach upon her privacy? Hencroach upon her privacy! You must use the feminine hen. Do not use the masculine cock. But you are assuming that I am speaking correctly. You must never *assume*, because when you *assume*, you make an *ass* out of *u* and *me*!

• German Professor : Good noon after ladies gentle bodies.

• German Professor : A schön figure with a kleine sitzen and the grossen titzen.